Blaming Just Makes it Worse

October 25, 2014

in Change

Blame is not a new tactic. Eve blamed the snake. Adam blamed both Eve and God (the woman YOU gave me…). Those with children have heard plenty of blaming, including some that does not even make sense. (My sister once said, “It’s his fault, he hit me back.” And yes, I got in trouble.) Anyone who minsters to marriages has heard tons of blaming – some if much along the lines of “He hit me back!”

<>He says, “I’d stop looking at porn if she would have sex more often,” and she says, “I would have sex more often if he stopped looking at porn.” They both feel better because they have put some of the blame on their spouse. Feeling better is the problem; because it reduces the odds either will do anything about their part of the problem.

Yes, there is some truth in what each said. A husband is less likely to look at porn if he is having sex morning, noon, and night. A wife who knows her husband is looking at porn morning, noon, and night is understandably less interested in having sex with him. Often there is blame enough for both spouses. The problem is using blame to make them feel they are okay. When blame makes us feel justified, or less wrong, it is harmful to our marriage and us.

She blames you! © Msphotographic | Dreamstime.com

We also have the issue of dealing with the log in our own eye. Jesus said, “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” [Mt 7:5 ESV] We cannot see other’s sin clearly or accurately while we are walking in our own sin. If we try to “help” others with their sin while still walking in our own sin, we may do a good deal of damage. Would you want help with something in your eye from someone who has a plank in their own eye?! The example I gave above shows this well. Each spouse sees their partner’s sin as greater than it is because of their own sin. The solutions they see also miss the mark, because they are focused only or too much on their spouse’s sin.

Blame is a sure way to avoid solving things. Blame perpetuates or aggravates the situation by giving the wrong focus and soothing our conscience. It is human nature, and it feels good, but it is a bad choice.

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