I realise talking with your wife about your porn use feels as sane as dropping a giant firecracker down your pants, and just as likely to end your sex life. Thing is, your odds of getting free are extremely small if you’re not honest with your wife about the problem.

Man with upset wife © WavebreakmediaMicro | stock.adobe.com

Porn is a sin against your wife, and we are told to confess our sins, repent, and receive forgiveness. Without those three things happening your marriage and sex life will never be free from the effects of porn even if you manage to stop looking at it. While it was never your intention, your porn use has hurt your wife, damaged your marriage relationship, and made a mess of your sex life. The damage isn’t all in her mind, it’s real and significant. Ignoring it won’t fix it. Denying it will make it worse. You must own it and spend the time and energy necessary to work past it.

When you go to her, be ready to make it all about your choices. Don’t even hint she might have some part to play in how much porn you use. Tell her you’ve been using porn to deal with your pain and tell her what your triggers are. Admit porn was a wrong way to deal with your pain and talk about what you’re going to do to eliminate some of the triggers and learn better ways to cope with the others.

Then I suggest you start regularly telling your wife about two things:

  1. Daily talk with her about your pains – your triggers. Tell her when you felt one or more, and tell her what caused it. Talk with her about those things, why you feel them, and what you think could change it. This has nothing to do with her, sex, or porn. This is about you getting in touch with your feelings and finding better ways of dealing with those feelings. Ask her for her support, input, and prayers.
  2. Tell her when you slip and look at porn. Determine you will tell her the same day it happens, and will do so regardless of what else is going on in your lives. This isn’t about accountability or a fear based deterrent, it’s about ongoing confession. There’s no need to go into details on this. Perhaps you could have a five-point scale of how bad it was. One is very minor, five is as bad as it gets. Confess, tell her you’re sorry, and ask for her ongoing prayers for you to get really free.

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I’ve told you porn use is not about sex. I’ve recently told the female readers of my XY Code blog the same thing (Porn: It’s Not What You Think). However, most women see their husband looking at porn like this picture: For most women, looking at porn is having sex with the women shown. Many […]

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June 26, 2016

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Friday Flashback: Someone Will Hear Us!

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One of you wrote saying his wife is very worried about being heard while making love. I’ve heard this often, and for various reasons;  a young couple living with one set of parents, one or more elderly parents living with the couple, teens who stay up late, or other people old enough to know what […]

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