Sometimes it’s not you, it’s her:

I have often said few women make it to marriage without being sexually messed-up. Some of this is the result of her choices (looking at porn, premarital sex) and some is the result of the choices of others (incest, abuse, rape, or horny boyfriends). Regardless of the cause, she dumps it all over your marriage bed. If you were sexually pure and selfless, your God given sex drive and desires would probably offend or trigger her.  So yes, you are messed up sexually, but it is not all you.

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This is an area where it is exceptionally difficult to convince a woman she has issues. She has been told men are wild-eyed selfish monsters when it comes to sex. If you have ever looked at porn (and what man has not these days), she will blame all sexual problems on the porn. She has plenty of reasons to think you are a mess sexually. She has all manner of fears about her own sex normalcy, but she probably denies those are a factor in sexual problems you two have as a couple.

Trying to downplay your contributions to your sexual problems is a natural reaction, but it will not help. The more you make it about her, the more convinced she will be it is all your fault. If you downplay the effect of porn or your promiscuous past, she will see your denial as the problem, and ignore her contributions to the mix.

You need to work overtime on dealing with your sexual garbage, and your wife should see you doing it. At the same time, do not ignore places where she has clear problems. Do not argue with her about it, just tell her “I think part of that is about you” and go on. 

If you work on you and things get better, you both win. You also make it easier for her to deal with her stuff.

If you work on you and things do not get better, you make it abundantly clear some of the problem is hers.

There is no easy fast fix on this one. If you are sexually frustrated and hard up now, you can expect more of the same for some time to come. I do not mean to discourage you, but you need to know what it is going to take. You need to figure out how to maintain your sanity through the process. You need to find ways to deal with and properly contain your lust and sexual urges until your wife is able to wear you out regularly.

The sooner and harder you work on your part of the issue, the sooner things will start to improve. Improvements will be small and infrequent at first. Eventually you reach a point of critical mass and things will change more quickly. 

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