A recent TMB survey was on having sex when you ask for it. You can read the general results on TMB; here I want to look at the numbers for men, and how the information might help you.

Giving a flower in bed © Maxriesgo | Dreamstime.com

How often are men asking for sex?

  • 23% ask 4-5 times a week
  • 41% ask 2-3 times a week
  • 13% ask once a week
  • 15 % ask less than once a week – including 2% who never ask
  • 3% ask 6-7 times a week, and 2% ask more than 7 times a week.

How often does asking result in sex? 

  • 5% always have sex when they ask
  • 19% have sex more than 90% of the time
  • 13% have sex 75% of the time
  • 17% say it’s half the time
  • 21% asking only results in sex 25% of the time
  • 23% have sex less than 10% when they ask for it

The reasons for not having sex are not just her refusal. It is common for the wife to say yes, and the man not to follow through because he feels she is not interested or is just doing it out of duty.

  • 24% of men turn down sex at least half the time they get a yes!
  • 16% turn down a yes a quarter of the time
  • 36% turn down a yes rarely – less than 10% of the time
  • 23% never turn down a yes

Years ago, I was on the receiving end of what felt like mercy or duty sex, and I understand why men say no. I did it a few times, and might have more often if sex were not so infrequent. However, there are a number of problems with rejecting her yes:

  • What you see as duty or mercy might be done out of love. If so, you are rejecting her loving gift, which is hurtful.
  • She may feel she can never offer what you want, and stop trying. (We hear this from women often.)
  • Sex is good for both of you in many ways, and good for your relationship. This is generally true even if she is doing it out of duty.
  • If you ask then do not follow up, she has good reason to think you do not need sex nearly as much as you say you do. 
  • Regardless of why she says yes, she may get into it and be glad she did said yes.

 Several men addressed this last point in their comments (emphasis mine):

  • One caveat to this is she seems uninterested or doing it out of duty about 50% the time we have sex. Only at the beginning though. Getting her to bed is the challenge. Once she’s there and we get going her desire climbs quite quickly.
  • If I didn’t initiate, it would never happen. She seems to enjoy it, but has no interest in starting it.
  • I often feel she is just doing it for me (out of duty), and that she would be fine without it. When we do have sex, she usually has two orgasms and sometimes three.
  • Even when she seems uninterested or “duty bound” when she says yes, she usually will get into gear once she gets warmed up. We rarely have one-sided sex despite her reluctance. Although she’s not in the mood when we start, I can normally increase her arousal during foreplay to get her going.

Women are not like men sexually. Some women never or almost never “want” sex until they become physically aroused by foreplay. A few women are like men most of the time, wanting sex because they are turned on, and some women feel this way on occasion, but this is not the way most women work most of the time. If you wait for her to want it, you will not have much sex. If you learn how to turn her on, you will have much more sex, and you will both be glad. If you are willing to carry the sex act at first, she will learn she can enjoy sex even when she does not “feel horny” at the start.

One other comment from the survey:

I am very blessed to have a sexually generous wife. And part of that comes from the influence of your ministry – which is why I’m a regular financial supporter!!! (And I hope you include this comment so others will get the idea!) :)

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