I’ve said on a number of occasion dealing with her low sex drive starts with figuring out why she has a low sex drive. Bonny of Oyster Bed 7 has done us a huge service with her recent libido survey of 300+ women. Below are some of her results, along with my thoughts.

"I Am Ugly" written on mirror © bradcalkins | dollarphotoclub.com

A) When asked about their sex drive, 70% said “I have no physical desire (vaginal moisture, ‘gotta-have-you-now’ feeling) to prompt me to engage sexually with my husband.”

I’ve talked about this before, many times. This is the typical male sex drive, but not the norm for women. A few women feel this kind of sex drive often, and more feel it sometimes, but many experience it rarely or never. This is not necessarily a problem; it’s often just how these women function. Many (but not all) of these women will start to feel desire if they start having sex – especially if their husband knows how to arouse both her body and her mind.

B) What affects your sex drive? (Listed from most frequent answer to least frequent):

1. I don’t like how my body looks 
2. I don’t feel emotional connection with my husband
3. Stress
4. Not enough time
5. I don’t feel pretty
6. I cannot climax
7. Depression/Anxiety
8. Pain, vaginal / Pain, other / Poor Health / Medications
9. My husband wishes to engage in sexual acts I’m not comfortable with
10. My husband doesn’t take direction
11. I am not attracted to my husband
12. My husband is too rough

The five answers in bold are the ones which may be the “fault” of the husband. Notice only one of those is in the top 8 answers, at #2. It’s common to assume a wife’s lack of sexual desire is her husband’s fault, but these women do not support that conclusion. 

The most common answer, “I don’t like how my body looks” is about the women and culture. Her husband can make it worse, but I doubt this is common. Sadly, husbands have little power to make this less of an issue. Yes, tell her you love how she looks, but don’t expect it to cause her to do a 180°.

The second most common answer is a lack of emotional connection with her husband. Most men can have sex without any emotional connection; most women cannot. It would be easy to blame this on the husband, but more often than not, it’s primarily about stress and a lack of time/energy (see #’s 3 and 4. You can encourage her to do less, and sometimes do things for her, but again, this is mostly on her.

C) How did low libido enter your life? (Listed from most frequent answer to least frequent):

1. Having children
2. Infidelity
3. Age
4. Never had much sex drive
5. Hormonal birth control
6. Illness
7. Trauma 
Write-ins included rape, pre-marital sexual sin, and relationship issues.

This isn’t a surprise, but likely news to some. Pregnancy and nursing do a number on sex drive, as well as sexual function. Babies and young children keep women from getting the sleep they need, which is a sure way to kill sex drive.

Number two was infidelity. I wonder how many women answered “infidelity” due to hubbies porn use. Regardless, this one is all on the husband, and the one he can easily prevent. Age (#3) is an interesting answer. Aside from perimenopause, most women experience an increase in sex drive as they get older. I wonder how much this goes back to “I don’t like how my body looks.”

If your wife has a low sex drive, this should give you some thoughts on how to proceed. Bonny’s web site is for low libido women and written by a woman with low libido, making it an excellent resource for your wife. 

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