Let the romance and great sex continue!

April 10, 2009

in Romance, Sexuality

In an article in the March issue of the Review of General Psychology (pdf here), researchers say what some already knew: romance and sex can stay strong as a marriage ages. According to the study “romantic love – defined as having intensity, engagement and sexual interest – does exist in long-term relationships.”

For me, married 24 years, this is old news. It really does get better for us every year, both romantically and sexually. I know some don’t believe me when I say that (I guess they figure I have to say it), but now I can point to this study which says 13% of couples feel much the same way.

So, having shown it can happen, can I tell you how to make it a reality in your marriage? First and foremost both you and your bride have to want it. Want it enough to work at it, and to keep working at it. You both have to want it enough to give up things that get in the way of the goal. You also have  to want it more than you want to be right or to get your way. Those conditions eliminate many couples – but the exclusion is based on choices you can change.

Learn to see the marriage as more important than either of you as an individual, and be willing to sacrifice what you want for the sake of the marriage. If you both work at it, and both keep at it, I think you can join the ecstatically happy 13%. I also think any couple who makes it will say what it took to get there was effort well spent.

4 comments
rfwoodvt
rfwoodvt

TGH, Though I wish we had been able to discover the right & righteous way of marriage, sex and romance sooner I think now I wouldn't trade those first 20 years for anything. In hind sight I think they served a greater purpose and was the cultivation ground for where we are today and where we are headed. Without it there would be no way we could be "real" to engaged couples and other married folk we interact with. God has so blessed us in our present relationship that all the struggle and apathy we had have been forgotten. He is Good!

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

rfwoodvt - Thanks so much for showing that it's never too late. I'm sorry the first 20 years were not so great, but I know the last few have made all that a distant memory. Thanks also for the book suggestions. Other good books on the TGH book page - http://www.the-generous-husband.com/books/

rfwoodvt
rfwoodvt

Amen, Amen & Amen! I just had to comment, even before reading the study! We've been a couple for more than 25 years and have been married nearly 23. Our romance and sex have improved dramatically over time! Not that long ago, prior to our 20th anniversary, we were part of the 87% who were looking at dismal romance and sex. As soon as we began to understand god's purpose for it (starting with Song of Solomon) and when I truly began to focus on DW's needs...communication, listening, touch, understanding, affirmation that she rocks my world...our sex life took a turn for the better. As time progressed she began to focus on my needs...respect, trust, desire...and that fed my fire to meet her needs! We are more in love, and infatuated with each other than ever before! God has been good because he has also opened many doors that were previously closed AND he has led us into a Marriage Mentorship Ministry as pre-marital mentors. Our pastor had no idea of our history and is still popping his eyes as he learns more about us but with 100% accuracy, God has led him to send us the right couples whom we are uniquely qualified work with. It has blessed our pastor, the couples and us! Satisfaction, love and romance are like everything else in this world, they are a choice! And we must choose to change our attitudes and actions to match what we so much desire! FWIW two books helped us turn the corner in our lives and change our "marriage" into a godly "Union": For Men Only, by Jeff Feldhahn and For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. The can be gotten at Amazon, B&N or my favorite is "CBD" http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=5490&event=CF We buy these by the case and give them away. So, Today! I choose You! My Wife! My Love! and I long for when we can be together at the end of the day! I am off to BE her knight in shining armor! Gentlemen will you do the same for your wife?!

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

Yes, Yes, YES! As sexual beings we humans were designed to have sex and to have it often... it's healthy, it's pleasurable and it makes you happy! Don't leave home without it! The reason, I think we have to work on it, at all, in marriage is because most of us have bought into lies, of all kinds, and behaved as if those lies were truth, so that both our thoughts and our conscience are infected and disabling. And as has been said, your brain is your primary sex organ. So really, it is our thinking that must change first, ridding ourselves of the lies and having faith that you can know truth and live by it; for Jesus said that it is truth that will make you free. I like this from the article: "If you and your partner have let the spark dim in your relationship, Acevedo suggests trying something "novel and challenging" together. Sadock said that you have to be sure to schedule time alone with each other, and she said, you should try to meet each other in different places. "You want your partner to anticipate your arrival and then actually see you coming. In a relationship, you spend a lot of time next to each other, but not much actually looking at each other," she explained. When was the last time you just sat and starred, admiringly, at your wife's beautiful face? Be good!

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