Archive for May, 2009

Second hand doctrinal failure

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

© Elenaray | Dreamstime.comStudies have shown that what we think and believe influencers those around us far more than we know. This is true even for casual acquaintances, so imagine how significant the affect is between husband and wife.

If your theology is off, or becomes a bit off, there is a chance your bride will follow you into error. While she is certainly going to be held responsible for her choice, don’t you think you will be held responsible for putting a wrong choice before her?

The other side of this is that we tend to be influenced by our bride - regardless of what she does or moves into. The Bible and history are full of men who got pulled off track by something their wife started to believe or follow - sometimes with sad and painful consequences. The reason this happens is easy to understand, we don’t want to be at odds with our bride. We don’t want to be on opposite sides of a theological divide, and that makes us willing to compromise, or to pretend something is not as significant as it really is. Our desire for peace in our home can easily lead us away from truth, and we must be vigilant and determined to avoid this.

Question - are you proactive or reactive about your faith?

Second hand sexual stress

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

When you’re uptight about sex, it has a very negative effect on your bride, and on her interest in being sexual with you. I used to think I was good at hiding my sexual frustration, but I’ve learned that my bride often is aware even before I am that I am feeling uptight or sexually in need. That means hiding it is useless at best, and likely more harmful than being open and honest.

I realise that the frustration that comes from wanting more than she does is not helped by talking about it over and over; but being open and honest can still help. Part of the problem is that we often do not clarify what we want – just saying “MORE!” does not provide much useful information, and “More of anything” makes us sound like we are just sex starved animals with no love or caring. Being honest about our emotional feelings as well as the physical is a good thing to work on.

It may also help to be honest about your frustration, and the way it may cause you to act. For example, saying “Don’t mind me, I’m grumpy about sex” tells her that you are aware of the situation, and that it may be making you less than enjoyable to be with. Rather than just being mad at her for not being there for you, you have taken responsibility for how you responded to that situation.

Second hand fear and worry

Friday, May 29th, 2009

© Michaeljun... | Dreamstime.comFear and worry can destroy us – and make us no fun to be around. If you're consumed by fear and/or worry, you are not giving your bride what she deserves. Additionally, you are pulling her down, urging her to be fearful and worried.

This means that fear and worry are not private things, but a part of your marriage dynamic. You owe it to your bride, and to your family, to deal with your fears and to learn how to stop worrying. I know it’s not easy, but it can be done – with ongoing effort you can reduce worry. If you can’t deal with your fear and worry yourself, get some help!

By the way, from my observations women are far more likely to become fearful or worried because their husband is than vice-a-versa. Certainly there are exceptions, but please be aware that her brain is more tuned to the emotions of those around her, and that means she is probably much more easily swayed by your negative thoughts and feelings than you are by her.

Second hand resentment

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

How does second hand resentment look? You feel you weren't given what you deserved as a kid, so you're stingy with your bride. You feel cheated at work because you didn’t get the promotion, or raise, so you don’t give your bride the encouragement and support she deserves. Basically it’s refusing to give others more than you have been given. And, unless you are a real jerk, it’s not intentional and you do it without being aware of it. The key then is to become aware of things that might cause you to act this way, and go out of your way to give to your spouse when you feel cheated.

Second hand anger

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

© Creativezo... | Dreamstime.comAnger is natural and it's not wrong, but when we hold onto our anger, it becomes destructive to us and to those around us. Ongoing anger is a poison that will destroy us, our relationships, and those who love us. If you think you have a right to be angry, or want to hold onto your anger, please spend some time trying to see what your anger is doing to your bride, and to your children. See how your anger pushes people away, and how it makes it difficult or impossible for others to love you in a way that you can feel. Realise that unforgiveness is not a right, but rather a way of life that slowly attacks everyone you love.

Anger is often a "cover" emotion - an emotion we feel is acceptable that we use to cover an emotion we feel is not acceptable. Men cover things like fear and embarrassment with anger. The problem with this is that the real emotion, and thus the real issue, is not even on the table. You can't deal with the root cause if you are focused on your cover anger.

Anger can cause us to do things we would not normally do - hurtful and destructive things. Some folks use anger as an excuse for doing mean things - they then blame the anger, as if that makes it okay. If you do things in anger that you later wish you had not done, you have a problem.  Admit it and deal with it, before it costs you something you don't want to lose.

Resource: Ancient Paths has an excellent anger seminar on overcoming anger.

Second hand busyness

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

Busyness is a chronic problem in our society - and a huge cause of marital problems. If either you or your bride is too busy, it's hurting both of you; and your marriage, and your sex life. Busyness leaves us drained, with no reserves, and neither the time nor the energy to be the spouse, parent, companion, or lover that we should be.

In some marriages busyness is fairly one sided - be it him or her. If you're the only one who is too busy, then you can choose to make a change. Seek her help, and ask her to hold you accountable. If she is the only one who is too busy, you will have to convince her that it’s a problem, which won’t be easy. Watch her for a few weeks and make notes on the problems that come from her being too busy. Look especially for ways her being busy hurts her and your children. Then lovingly discuss the issue with her, setting out the facts and then giving her some time to think about it before pushing her to commit to changes.

In many marriages busyness is a way of life for both husband and wife. Again, spend some time looking for how this hurts each of you and your marriage, and then discuss it with your bride. Again, lay out the problem, including your part, and give her some time to think about it.

Regardless of who needs to change, brainstorm on what to changes to make and how to proceed. Work on things one at a time, with all the grace and patience you can muster. Move slowly - it’s taken you years to create the problem, and you won’t fix it in a few days.

The danger of second hand procrastination

Monday, May 25th, 2009

© Pixelbrat | Dreamstime.comThis report talks about the impact that our procrastination has on those around us – sort of like “second hand smoke”.

I’ve certainly been guilty of this. I wait till there is just enough time if everything goes right; then something goes wrong and I’m stressed, or I’m short with my bride, or we're late for something. I’ve already made progress on this (I have a week's worth of tips already set up for the first time in the eight years I've been doing this ;-) ) but I still have a way to go. Thinking about it, I realise that second hand procrastination is hardly a loving thing to do my bride, family and friends.

Over the next few days, I will offer some other less than loving “second hand” things some of us do.

More family than holidays

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

One common source of friction for couples is who's family to spend what time with on holidays. Seems no matter what you do, someone feels cheated, and sometimes everyone feels cheated!

Forget about everyone else for a moment - what would you and your bride really like to do for the holidays?  What would you enjoy, what would bless the two of you?  Think outside the box (see below), and day dream a bit.

Once you have what you think is the best way, then see if/how you can work in family - without killing the time for you. Also, once you have kids, travel it a LOT more of a challenge, and more costly, for you than for anyone's parents. That should be a valid concern for everyone - and if it's not, I suggest you gently point it out. Maybe get with your siblings and turn the tables, you can each invite your folks to your home for the holidays, and let them decide who to say yes and no to!   :mrgreen:

Of course if you and your bride enjoy mass family together time, then go for it, but please don't do it out of duty, especially if it results in problems between the two of you.

Plenty of time to work out what you will do for Thanksgiving and Christmas - start now!

Out of the box: Last Christmas we did something different, that we all (my bride, my son and I) liked it .  We spent Christmas Eve with friends, opening things with them and then later in the evening the three of us exchanged gifts.  Then on Christmas day we drove to the Southern Oregon coast. We met friends at a buffet for Christmas dinner, and then spent several days on the coast - one with the friends, and a couple more just the three of us. It was one of the best, most enjoyable, and least hectic Christmases we have ever had - and we intend to do it again.  Probably not the first choice of most folks, but it shows how different can be very nice.

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