In lesson (chapter) 10 of Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life , Dr Daniel Amen gives “Twelve Ways to Make Your Love Unforgettable”. Many of the twelve are not directly about sex, but all are aimed at creating a deeper, closer relationship, which can only improve sex.
Number six on the list is “Teach your partner what you like”. Teaching your bride how to push all your sexual buttons will make sex better for you – but what about her? Is it selfish to teach her how to make it better for you, rather than focusing on making it better for her? In reality, making it better for you is good for her – possibly very good. Here are four reasons why this is true:
- Reduces “performance anxiety” on her: Most of us have fears about “how well” we will do sexually, and women generally suffer more from this than men. Most women feel their sexuality is not under their control – it seems have a mind of its own. Some women have a difficult time judging how arouse they are, before and/or during sex. Many women worry it takes them “too long” to get aroused. They also worry about being able to climax. Aside from wanting an orgasm, she worried what he will think if she “fails” to climax.
When you put the focus on yourself, you take some of the focus off of her, which reduces performance anxiety”.
- Shows her she can satisfy you: It is common for a wife to feel she will never be able to satisfy her husband sexually. This may be the result of his words or actions, but it also occurs when the husband has given her no reason to think he is not satisfied. We live in a culture obsessed with sex, and it’s easy to think you fall short.
When you teach her how to make you feel great, she will know she is satisfying you.
- Your pleasure arouses her: It’s difficult to not be aroused by watching someone enjoy sex, and women seem to be particularly wired to be “turned on” by the sexual enjoyment of their partner. Find ways to express your building enjoyment during sex and she will likely become more aroused herself. We’ve heard from women say their husband’s orgasm can cause them to climax as well, even though they were not sufficiently aroused to expect to climax. It seems for at least some women, there is window prior to orgasm when she is “close enough” his climax pushes her over the top.
When you openly enjoy, it turns her on.
- You give her permission to teach you: Actively teaching her how to make you feel good suggests she is free to do the same. Your boldness can help her be less shy, especially when she sees how you are rewarded for your efforts. You are also creating ways to share sexual information, making it easier for her to teach you about her body and her pleasure.
You invite her to do unto you as you have done unto her.
How do you go about teaching her how to make sex better for you? Start by seeing it as a long term goal, and work in small steps. Be honest about what you want – “Better sex for both of us”. Encourage her often, even when the results are not what you would like. See it as a journey requiring a good deal of trial and error, and realise that even if she does exactly what you suggest the results may not be what you expect. When something is not as great as you had hoped, say something like, “That was nice, but not what I thought it would be, let me think about how to tweak it” or “You did that so well; I did not like is as much as I thought I would, but I am so blessed you tried it.”
Finally, do not “hold back” too much. Let your body and the sounds you make tell her what you enjoy, and what you really enjoy. Be aware of her comfort level, but enjoy sex openly with her.