Second hand anger

May 27, 2009

in Good Marriage, Series

© Creativezo... | Dreamstime.comAnger is natural and it’s not wrong, but when we hold onto our anger, it becomes destructive to us and to those around us. Ongoing anger is a poison that will destroy us, our relationships, and those who love us. If you think you have a right to be angry, or want to hold onto your anger, please spend some time trying to see what your anger is doing to your bride, and to your children. See how your anger pushes people away, and how it makes it difficult or impossible for others to love you in a way that you can feel. Realise that unforgiveness is not a right, but rather a way of life that slowly attacks everyone you love.

Anger is often a “cover” emotion – an emotion we feel is acceptable that we use to cover an emotion we feel is not acceptable. Men cover things like fear and embarrassment with anger. The problem with this is that the real emotion, and thus the real issue, is not even on the table. You can’t deal with the root cause if you are focused on your cover anger.

Anger can cause us to do things we would not normally do – hurtful and destructive things. Some folks use anger as an excuse for doing mean things – they then blame the anger, as if that makes it okay. If you do things in anger that you later wish you had not done, you have a problem.  Admit it and deal with it, before it costs you something you don’t want to lose.

Resource: Ancient Paths has an excellent anger seminar on overcoming anger.

2 comments
pianomikey
pianomikey

Is that a picture of Captain James T. Kirk?

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

Thank you Paul for addressing this. It is a very serious problem with men. If there was anything at all correct in my ex's accusations against me it was that I was an angry human. Anger was, indeed, a cover emotion for me for it was the universal emotion behind which I hid my frustration, inadequacy, self-blame, worthlessness, and shame, all of which are emotions that came from my sins. One day a counselour I was seeing told me that anger often results when these two emotions are experienced simultaneously; hurt and frustrastion. BING! For me, the hurt came in the blame my ex constantly put on me and through which she fed my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. And the frustration came, simultaneously, because she either seemed to be right, at the time, or because once more I had another 'problem' I had to deal with that I knew she wouldn't help me deal with. And once I realized this about anger, which thing was a truth in me, I was set free from that cycle through that awareness. Soon, then, she soon found that she could no longer push my buttons and get the same old response because I was now able to indentify the thoughts that led to the emotions and could 'disconnect the buttons', so to speak. For all emotions begin with thoughts. And sometimes those thoughts are lies that we have come to accept as truth. Learn then, when you feel anger welling up in you, to be a dispassionate observer of your thoughts. Learn to observe your thoughts, when angry, like you do when you work backward in a 'train' of thought to find the first thought that led you to the 'caboose'. You won't be able to stop the emotion yet, so just ride it out till it subsides and try not to do anything stupid. But, once you've identified the thought that led to the emotion, put it into a sentence and then examine that sentence for truth- ask yourself: "Is this an accurate reflection of reality?" If not, then it is a lie and your emotion is, therefore, based on a lie and that makes your emotional reaction inapproprite. If you are as angry a human as I was, you will be amazed at how many lies you are believing about yourself and about your spouse and your children as well as the world around you. So, replace those lies with a truthful sentence that does reflect reality accurately and when that split-second comes when the lie is about to be believed, again and the emotion starts rolling, you can see it comming and decide not to believe it. Right then and there the emotion will stop like stopping a snowball from rolling down a hill while it's still small. Jesus said If you know Him you will become aquainted with truth and that the truth will manumit you. And so I call myself, euphimistically, 'Eleutheros, the 'freed one', because I know Jesus and have, therefore, become aquainted with truth and have found that, indeed, it does manumit me to be good, exactly as I was created to be. For the cleansing of my conscience, which was accomplished in me through holy spirit, and that because of the forgivness of sins that was accomplished by Jesus, puts me in a place where I realize that I can know truth from lies so that I am very sensitive to when I sin and am prompted then by my clean conscience, to confess immediately, that sin and ammend it, which is a lot easier to do right then and there than later, (like stopping a snowball... later) so that I can mantain that cleansed conscience and I find myself sinning less and less and doing good more and more. Which included loosing my inappropriate anger and feeling good about myself and others, even when they do me wrong. For forgiveness is the most powerful force in the Universe. And it's source of power, it's 'engine', is agape, fondness and affection. And is not our God agape? :) Be good, then, and allow yourself to be full of fondness and affection. It is what you were created to be.

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