This article talks about the small group of married folks who are still madly in love after decades. What is interesting about the article is that the researchers found a way to test the claims of the couples who said they are still very, very in love – brain scans confirmed they were like those newly in love. These couples are “outliers” points on a graph that are way, way off the normal curve.
I have not had my brain scanned (there is a joke in there, isn’t there?) but I have no doubt my bride and I are in the group who is way off the curve. But why? Why do a very few couples not have the “normal” loss of love that most folks have (a rapid loss over the first ten years, followed by a more gradual decline for the rest of the marriage)? Why do some feel as in love, often more in love, than when they first married, many years ago?
My best answer is that it is a choice – a mutual choice to stay in love by actively working at it, by putting the marriage and one’s spouse very high up on the list of priorities. I think it’s like most things – what we get out is very much determined by what we put in.
Are you thinking “so what, it’s great for you, but I don’t have that”? I think you can have it, if you and your bride are both willing to work at it. I base this claim on couples I have seen who are growing more, not less in love, since a choice to make their marriage better. Some of these couples had years, or decades, of normal to bad marriage in their past. I’ve watched a few of these changed relationships over years, and it’s not a short term change – I’ve seen couples go from little love to a great deal of love, and continue to grow over time.
More tomorrow – and be sure to post your thoughts on-line .
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Raising our children seemed to take a lot of emotional energy. With me being a morning person and my wife being a night person, finding personal time when both of us were awake enough to enjoy it was difficult.
Now that the children are grown up and in college, seems like we have been able to revert to the more romantic days of when we were first married. Yes, the girls still roll their eyes at us, but I think that they really enjoy it knowing that mom and dad are still in love.
My parents never showed that sort of affection for each other — at least not in my memory. I’m glad that we can.
I honestly believe my wife and I are in that small minority also.
I completely agree with the idea that Love is a concious choice. My wife and have gone through every up and down you can imagine. Almost divorced 2 yrs ago. We both made the decision to CHOOSE to love each other. And even more importantly asked for God’s will in our lives. We are more in love than ever (21 years).
I believe that the author is exactly correct “My best answer is that it is a choice – a mutual choice to stay in love by actively working at it, by putting the marriage and one’s spouse very high up on the list of priorities.”
But without mutuality at some point, it isn’t going to happen. Just like our relationship with God. Without our being responsive to Him, the fellowship falters.