An saw interesting thought from Dr. Marty Klein in his article Male Sexuality: Selfishness or Insecurity?:
Michael [psychologist Michael Bader] challenges the common idea that men are selfish in bed, that they don’t much care about their partner and don’t really want to be close. He says, in fact, that the opposite is true: that most men face such a crushing sense of responsibility in bed that they are, understandably, insecure. This leads them to focus so much on their performance that a human connection is difficult.
Bravo. As a therapist, I’ve noticed this, too. Performance anxiety accounts for a lot of the erection problems I hear about in the office, as well as a lot of the low desire. In fact, there are guys who say “porn is easier than sex with my wife, because I never feel like I satisfy her.” That’s a far cry from “men are addicted to porn” or “men are afraid of intimacy.“
Certainly there are guys out there who only care about what they can get in bed, but in my experience these men are the rare exception. I would also say the pressure on men is even stronger in church circles than in the world. I regularly see messages from wives who blame their husband for the fact they have never given her an orgasm – despite the fact the wife can’t give her husband any idea how to do it because she’s had never had an orgasm at all. Apparently he’s supposed to be born with the knowledge to do something for her body that she can’t do herself.
My best suggestion for issues like this is calm discussion about things sexual. Start small, and don’t get, or sound, agitated. Realise she is dealing with her own fears and pressures, as well messages like “nice girls don’t talk about things like that” or “it will just happen”.
Another option is to do some detective work on her body. Learn to know her physical arousal level and response by how her body feels under your hands, what her face is doing, and small movements and sounds. If you become able to know “that feels good” from “yawn” you can move what you do in a direction more pleasurable for her.
One other thing – it’s all but unheard of for a woman’s first orgasm to occur during intercourse. If this is what you expect, you need to change to something more realistic. Teach her how to enjoy sex with your hands, and then transfer that understanding to intercourse. If your bride expects her first orgasm, or her first with you, to be during intercourse, you need to discuss it, because short of a miracle, it’s not going to happen.