Dinner Out, or Sex?

July 26, 2009

in Series, Sexuality

This comes from a post recently made on the TMB message boards. I have modified and used the post here with the permission of the woman who wrote the original

We hadn’t made love in almost a week due to some stupid misunderstandings and scheduling. We really needed a date so we planned to go out. [My husband] asked me to find a restaurant. It looked like we’d have to pay through the nose for a nice ambiance, decent food and a degree of privacy to have a good conversation. I was getting discouraged because I knew even though we were going to spend all this money we still would come back to a house with kids (a friend staying over) and not much privacy for some intimacy which by now we were both badly needing.

Then I thought, wouldn’t it be so nice to just go check into a hotel for the night? But we couldn’t leave the kids all night. Then I had a brilliant idea! I believe it was the Lord. I thought why don’t we dispense with the expensive meal, and just check into a hotel for a few hours instead!  When I asked him about it, he thought it was deliciously naughty and we should definitely do it. Using Hotwire.com we got a place for $60. We got into the room about 7:30pm, and stayed till about 10:30pm, then going out for dessert, and getting home around midnight. It was so wonderful. It gave us the privacy we needed for some truly amazing sex and then time to reconnect on an emotional level. It was so worth it and truly we didn’t spend any more than we would have on a nice dinner. I don’t think this will be the last time we do this and next time we can plan better and get there earlier.

Anyone surprised by a woman who choose hotel sex over dinner out? Look at the part I bolded, it’s critical. This was not just sex, it was intimacy, sexual and otherwise. This was reconnecting on many levels. This couple has learned great sex is part of a deeply intimate marriage – they have also learned that both great sex and an intimate marriage take thought, effort, and sometimes choices about how to spend time and money.

3 comments
Eleutheros
Eleutheros

Africord asked: "...do we not have to live with deep emotional intimacy before we can live sexually with a high level of comfort?" (my emphasis) If I may, I would like to attempt to answer this question. I see what you asked as being a little bit like asking "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?" And the answer to that is that the chicken has to come first since the egg needs the chicken to hatch. Eros, sexual love, encourages and enhances that deep, emotional intimacy needed for a man and woman to live together in love, through the pleasure it brings to both. Therefore, eros is what makes a man and woman a compound unity, or 'One'. Not agape or phileo, alone. In other words, the other loves, agape or 'fondness and affection' and phileo or 'friendship', which are the loves of sharing and intimacy, easily follow the uniquely pleasurable experience of eros and are nourished by it. (Which is why many humans seek to find these loves through illicit sex, against thier conscience, for the illusion it brings that they are cherished and have found a friend.) Therefore, while agape and phileo do exist, apart from eros, they exist uniquely between a husband and wife because eros was designed to intensify these feelings between them, nurturing their expression in a way that only a good and hedonistic God could conceive. Much like the chicken came first with the innate ability to create the egg. Is that helpful? Be good!

Africord
Africord

This post leads me to the following question, do we not have to live with deep emotional intimacy before we can live sexually with a high level of comfort?

marseille55
marseille55

This combines well with the prior blog on "Living Sexual". Our commitment as men to meet the total needs of our wives is absolutely critical to freeing them and ourselves up to being sexual in a consistent way. It is said with regards to addicts that while there are no guarantees that an addict will respond well to hitting bottom, you can guarantee that they will not recover without hitting bottom. We cannot guarantee that a wife will respond sexually as the other emotional & felt needs are met, but we can probably predict that she will not respond if the other needs are not being met.

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