I suspect these tips on sex have not been what some of you expected – or wanted. I know many of you want ideas on what to do in bed to make sex better. I will continue to give some such tips from time to time. I know some of you want to know how to get your wife to want or enjoy sex more (or at all :-x ) . I do what I can on this, but unless your behaviour is the major reason for her not wanting or enjoying sex, there is really very little you can do to change things. Ultimately it’s her choice, and since she knows you stand to benefit from the change you want in her, she will find it difficult to trust you. Sadly this seems to be true even when a wife freely admits her husband is loving and trustworthy in every other way; the problem is that women fall victim to the prevalent “men are selfish pigs about sex” attitude that is so common in our culture. The best you can do it nurture a marriage relationship that makes sex something she will desire (see below).
My primary goal in this series of tips has been to show you sex as something different than how you have seen it – different, and so much better! Men are easily trapped by a counterfeit of sex because it taps into their God given visual sex drive, and promises (but fails) to meet their desperately unmet need for physical release. The counterfeit promises what most men think they want, but it’s all a lie. Aside from the fact that the counterfeit can’t really satisfy, it also draws a man in a direction that his wife can neither enjoy nor respect. The counterfeit is all about the physical aspects of sex, and nothing but the physical. Sure, it can pretend to care about the deeper aspects of sex, but that is just an illusion which may fool you, but will not fool your bride.
The sad irony is that the only way to satisfy your physical sex drive is to choose to make it less of a priority. In truth, he who seeks to satisfy his body will fail, while he who seeks the deeper aspects of sex is the one who can find physical pleasure and fulfillment beyond imagination.
Sex, real sex, great sex, satisfying sex, is an integral part of a deeply committed and intimate relationship with your bride. You can’t have great sex without a great marriage, and if you are not willing to put in the time and energy needed to have a great marriage, you can forget about ever being sexually satisfied. If your sex life is not what you want it to be, the odds are your best bet is to say and do nothing about sex, and do all you can to make your marriage better. There may come a time when you need to nudge your bride about her wrong ideas about sex, but you have no hope of her listening to you if you have not given her reason to think you are all about her and what blesses her.
Great sex requires a long term investment. You need the ability to not get too excited when things improve, and the ability to not get upset when things seem to be going in the tank. The changes in a marriage, and in a sex life, are very erratic in the short term. If you were to chart the level of intimacy you have with your bride, based on what you see and feel, there would be some significant drops that could be very depressing. There could also be some short term improvements that look better than they are, and you can easily get despondent when the “upturn” proves to be short lived. Learn to look at your intimacy year to year, not day by day or month to month.
Don’t let the chance for a short term “good time” get in the way of what you need to do to build the intimacy needed for great sex. Most of us have pushed just a bit at some time, with the immediate result of what seems to us to be very good sex, only to discover later that our pressing injured our bride, and set back intimacy a great deal. This can even happen when she is the one who pushes for something because she is caught up in the heat of the moment and will do something she will regret later. As difficult as it is, don’t just run with anything she seems open to – better to take it a bit slow and not cause harm that will take weeks or months to heal.
What if you really are not “getting enough”? I know this is a valid issue, and I know from personal experience that a lack of sex with your bride is very difficult in many ways. I know it hurts, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. I understand how this situation pushes you to lust after other women, and to pressure your bride for sex. I understand the temptation to look at porn, or to masturbate secretly and frequently. I also know that all of these things are counter-productive to the goal of having a deeply intimate marriage and a great sex life. The more you can hold back, the more you can sacrifice, the better your chances of someday having the sex you really want.
Finally, a rather personal comment on this: For years I pressed my bride to take care of my physical sex needs. She became very generous in taking care of me, by hand at least, whenever I asked – and I asked very often. In looking back it seems to me that this “benefit” cost both my bride and I a good deal. It took her a good deal of energy to get to where she could give me what I desired. Once she got there, it sometimes took a good bit of energy to provide what I wanted, and at times it interfered with developing greater intimacy. Had I been willing to settle for less, much of that energy could have gone to her healing – resulting in her getting to really wanting and enjoying sex much sooner. Had I not focused so often on sex, the rest of the marriage would have grown much faster, and that would have brought about the sex I really wanted much sooner. If I could go back and do it again, I’d ask for significantly less sex, and I am sure I would gain so much so much sooner. I think I failed to take as much of a long term approach as I thought I was – putting my immediate physical needs ahead of building a foundation that would support great sex.