Defend my honour!

August 5, 2009

in Beyond the Marriage, Communication

A follow up on my follow up …

Ever seen movies of days gone by when a “lady” would expect, or demand, her man defend her “honour” by fighting? He was to prove his love by wounding or killing (or at least by dying trying) another who had insulted his lady. If the offense was real and major, one can possibly see some validity in the actions taken, but what if the offense was not real, or was no big deal? In the movies, there are times when the woman was no lady, or had no honour to defend. Other times, what was being “defended against” was a statement that was actually the truth (aka definition of character  :lol:  ). Sometimes a person who knew they spoke the truth would withdraw the statement, rather than enter into a fight to “back it up”.

Think that kind of “protection” is a thing of the past?  It’s not, not by a long stretch. What’s more, it can now go both ways, with the wife being the “defender”.

Sometimes the one who is being “defended” is actively seeking the defense from their spouse, while other times it is never requested, but is secretly appreciated. In my mind accepting this kind of action is as bad as asking for it. It’s not a right or helpful thing to do, and to want or benefit from it makes one less of a person. Likewise for providing this kind of “defense”, be it desired or not.

Of course I am far from perfect in this area. I like it when my wife comes to my defense – it feels good to know she loves me and cares for me enough to do that. But I don’t ever want her lying, or being unreasonable, or needlessly harming someone else to try and make me feel good or make someone else back down. The bigger challenge, for me, is not jumping to her defense in too aggressive a way, when she had been verbally attacked. I find it fairly easy to turn the other cheek when I am savaged, but my first impulse when my wife is attacked it to rip the attacker’s cheeks off! I must constantly remind myself that overly defending my wife does not really bless or help her. On the contrary, I think she would be harmed if folks felt they couldn’t say tough things to her without risking my wrath.

If you think anything in this, or the two previous tips, is occurring in your marriage, I suggest you discuss it with your bride. Find out what she things, feels, and expects. Tell her the same about yourself. Talk and pray about those things, if they are reasonable, and how what really happens does or does not line up with what you both agree should happen.

4 comments
thelyonsking
thelyonsking

How do you stop yourself from overreacting? My wife has been through an emotional and metal roller-coaster this past year or so. I am so protective of her right now because she is fragile in these areas. This past week she was spoken to in a non-courteous manner by a couple people and I can out loaded for bear. Fortunately, someone was able to head me off. But I literally was ready for a knock down drag out fight. Later, after talking with DW more, she realizes she was overly sensitive and I was over reacting. But, how can I control this? When someone wrongs her or the kids I get VERY protective and emotional.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

There was a lost of some but not all e-mail notifications for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. It all seems to be good now.

prov9_18_19
prov9_18_19

Did something happen to email notifications? I haven't gotten any email notifications since "God and Sex".

erikanderson
erikanderson

Hey Paul, could you follow up on the follow up of the follow up - what if the offending party is a family member (her parents or siblings)? At times, the relationship between my bride and her family is downright explosive (a couple of VERY strong-willed people with lots of fuel to burn!). On a couple of occasions, I've gotten the "we're leaving NOW!" and my only available option is to do just that. I love my wife to no end, so I honor her wishes regarding her family, even in front of them. Difficult situation.

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