Get more out of TGH, and help others do the same

August 23, 2009

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If you just read the tips, you are missing out. We have a growing number of guys making comments on the web site, and there are some great ideas and insights being posted. You can read comments without “joining”. Comments are also available by RSS.

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2 comments
Moof
Moof

Vhyndman, thanks for posting your comment. I found it enlightening and beautiful. I am going to put it into practice (or at least try, I am a work in progress) in every area of my life. Especially with my wife.

vhyndman
vhyndman

I became a better husband when I finally realized that I had more options. In conflict, I would either retreat (either walk away, or become emotionally detached) or I would engage (fight, argue, defend)... there didn't seem to be any other options. Through some very hard times, I realized that as my identity became more secure, I could weather some pretty difficult situations without either retreating or engaging. The third position is to simply stand in it. Not defending is not an admission of guilt. Not arguing is not a sign of weakness. Retreating emotionally is not a reliable way of protecting yourself. Walking away generally will tweak the wife's fear of abandonment. So standing looks like this to me... I listen... I rub her feet if I can as I listen to maintain connection and to do an act of service in a tough time. I ask questions about the topic. If I am baited into argument, I deflect and suggest that discussion come later. Never take a fight on the terms offered. No one ever offers a fight from a position of weakness. The option NOT to fight or not to engage is always available. So as I'm standing, I ask God, "What does her heart need in this moment, what is driving the discussion we're having, God, and how can I be a conduit of Your love and grace and mercy to my wife. And more often the not, God comes through with a deeper understanding, or an idea that reaches PAST what she is offering into the desire driving her. And even when I can't hear God, even when I come up empty handed, I have chosen the best option. Standing does not preclude the other options, whereas the other options, once you're on the road, preclude standing. I do not allow abuse... no language the is demeaning, no accusations, no tearing at my identity, and never anything physical. Any behaviors that I think seem abusive end the conversation. I always want to be a conduit of love and grace for me wife, and we have committed to do this for each other... it is the doorway to a love that is unselfish and graceful.

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