Ask your bride to write down the three best gifts you ever gave her - and the three worst. Don't get defensive, just use the information to better gift her in the future.
Archive for September, 2009
Best and worst gifts
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009Season plans
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009Depending on where you live, either early spring, with summer on the way, or early fall, with winter on the way. Spend a bit of time talking with your bride about fun things you can do together this next season. Look in a local paper to see what special events (including free) will be available.
Under the circumstances
Monday, September 28th, 2009Sometimes what is normally a simple task is not so simple. After a long day, a simple task can require a herculean effort.
When your bride does something "unimpressive" under difficult situations, be sure to give her the thanks, praise and affirmation her efforts deserve.
Fame & Success
Sunday, September 27th, 2009This evening I went with family and friends to see the move "Fame". It was interesting to watch the desperation the folks in the story had to be someone, to be something, to be loved, applauded, respected. For some it became more important than anything, or anyone. Some were destroyed by the drive, others failed or gave up, and became miserable.
Sure, it was a story, but it is based on the reality of how people are. We want to be good at something - not just good, but if possible we want to be great. We want to be admired and proclaimed for what we do very well, better than others.
Is that desire something that is given by God, or is it sin? I think what we see in most folks is a sin distorted version of something that God put in us. The desire to do well is good, the desire to find something you do very well is good - it's the pride of wanting to top others, to be "one of the best" that gets us in trouble.
Another problem is when our desire for fame and success gets in the way of doing the things God has called us to do. So many folks neglect, abuse, even abandon their children and spouse to follow something that makes them feel good, something that bring them acclaim and notoriety. Others neglect their walk with the Lord as they chase success.
So, what has God called you to be? What is His most important task for you? What would He have you do more of, and what would He have you do less of? Are you giving your bride all that God would have you give her? What about your children, have you sacrificed them to your need for success and fame?
Focus on the easy stuff
Saturday, September 26th, 2009The other evening as I was skimming The Marriage Bed message boards, I saw a sad trio of threads about oral sex. One fellow was miserable because his wife won't do it - and never has, another was wanting to know how he can get his wife, who has repeatedly said no, to do it, and a woman was complaining that oral is all her husband wants, and it's putting her off of sex entirely.
Please understand that I am not morally opposed to oral sex. I have never seen a good "biblical case against oral sex" that used good hermeneutics and good logic, and I am aware that a majority of Hebrew scholars sex references to oral sex in SofS. However, I do have a problem with a guy pushing his wife for something optional that she is against, I do have a problem with a guy who is killing his sex life by focusing on oral, and I hurt for guys who think they are missing something incredible because they have never received oral sex.
If you have no interest in oral sex, or if it's a part of your sex life that your bride is good with, you can stop reading here. However, if you want it and don't get it, or want it more than you get it, or have any reason to think your bride is less than happy doing it for you, PLEASE READ ON!
I know there are women out there, including God fearing, deeply devoted Christian women, who enjoy oral sex - both receiving and giving. We hear from these ladies, they are for real. But we also hear from the wives who are sick and tired of being badgered for oral sex. We hear from the women who do it because they feel pressured into it, but doing interferes with their desire for sex, and their ability to enjoy sex. And we hear from women would not mind doing it once in a while, but dislike it being expected as often as it is.
I am convinced that a large number of guys have deeply harmed their bride and their sex life because of a fixation on oral sex. Other men are in the process of doing this harm. Some of them know the damage they are doing, some suspect it, some are willfully ignorant. Most know it's a problem to keep pushing, and that they know this and continue is a sign of a real issue. What sane man would risk his sex life over a desire for one particular act? Why would any loving man press his wife for something she has told him she finds gross, a turn off, or wrong?
Frankly I think a lot of guys have bought into one or more lies about oral sex:
- It's the best sex
- It is the most intimate sex
- It proves she really loves you
- If she would just do it, she would like it
- If she won't, it means she does not like your penis
- It's an indication that she accepts you/your sexuality
- Being denied oral sex is a sin (yeah, some guys say that)
- Despite what she thinks, she won't throw up (as if just managing to not throw up is a good thing)
I don't know what is behind the deep desire so many men have to receive oral sex. I have no doubt porn plays a part, but it's gone beyond that, it's become cultural. It's like it's a man's right, and any man denied oral is somehow being cheated if not harmed.
If any of the above is you, please take some time to prayerfully think through this. Have you been less than loving to your bride over oral sex? Have you put your desire ahead of her feelings? Have you pressed her to do something she would rather not? Are you pushing her for something she has repeatedly said no to? If you have done any of this, you owe your bride a heart felt apology, and a promise to stop bothering her.
And yes, some guys who back off find that a couple of years later their bride offers. But there is no guarantee, and if this is a significant part of why you pretend to do the right thing, you are only hurting both of you.
Scalp Massage
Friday, September 25th, 2009This is more than a head rub, this is the kind of thing one gets at a spa. Start by buying or making a scalp massage oil (yes, really). You can use olive oil, sweet almond oil, or jojoba oil alone, or as a base to which you add an essential oil (most "health food" stores will have these products). Commonly used essential oils for scalp massage include chamomile, peppermint, lavender, rosemary, and rose. Add 20 to 30 drops of essential oil to one cup (or 250 ml) of base oil. Put the oil in a bowl when you are going to use it.
As the oil will need to be washed out, this needs to be done when she is going to wash her hair. Have her lay face up on the bed, with her head hanging off the end. The more she can comfortably hang her head down, the better. Depending on the height of your bed, sit on the floor, on a stool, or on a chair. A towel under her shoulder will protect the bed, and another on the floor will catch drips. Start by brushing her hair - all of it, from root to tip. The dip your fingers into the oil and start at the forehead. Place all ten fingers on her scalp, and move your fingers slowly in small circles. Press firmly, and move the skin over the skull. Add oil as needed, and slowly move over her entire head. A scalp massage is very relaxing, and is a very safe touch for most women, so give her as long as she likes. When you're done, wrap a warm dry towel (run it in the dryer or the microwave) around her hair and let the oil sit for fifteen minutes or more. (Use the time to massage her feet, very slowly).
Marriage takes work
Thursday, September 24th, 2009I had cause recently to go mucking about in my spam folder - all the stuff I never see because software dumps it for me. As I ran through it looking for one e-mail, I found an interesting common thread in much of what was there (aside from magic herbs that will do wonderful thing to your penis - NOT!). I saw get a degree without any studying, lose weight without exercise or diet, and even "make money in sleep". In other words, a lot of spam is offering to give us something for nothing - or at least something without doing any real work for it.
If this is a hallmark of our culture, then do we look for the same thing in our marriages? Do we want the easy fix, the no work solution, or maybe the "throw money at it to fix it" method? The reality is a good marriage takes work, and a great marriage takes a lot of work. And not just work, but ongoing work - without maintenance you lose ground, and growth always takes additional effort.
I can assure you that the rewards of the effort can be great. The joy of a good marriage is deep and profound. Don't let the something for nothing attitude that is so common today rob you of what you could have.
Forgive – repeat
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009It seems to me that forgiveness sometimes takes a number of times to get all the way down inside. I'm not talking about the choice we make to forgive, but the feelings that so often don't immediately follow that choice. Sometimes it seems like forgiving the same thing several times is needed, with each time moving me farther down the road to feeling what I think I should feel - or maybe more accurately not feeling what I know I should no longer feel. It just seems, sometimes, that it takes several times to dig down through the various layers and deal with all of the hurt, resentment, and so on.
The other side of this is feeling forgiven. I might be fully forgiven, really, totally, and yet not feel I am, or should be. This is probably because I have not forgiven myself for what I did; but whatever the reason, there things I have asked my bride to forgive me for that I had to ask a number of times before I felt it was really dead and buried.
If any of this seems valid in your marriage, then I suggest you and your bride discuss it and decide if it's okay to ask more than once for forgiveness, or offer forgiveness more than once.
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