Why it can be so difficult for a woman to learn to orgasm

September 5, 2009

in Sexuality

Seth Godin wrote:

The reason riding a unicycle is difficult

…is because it’s sudden.

All the time you’re practicing, you aren’t actually riding. You’re falling. Then, if you don’t give up after all this failure, in a blink, you’re riding. No in-between. Failing…riding.

Learning things that are binary like this is quite difficult.

For many women, learning to orgasm is this way, because it’s all or nothing, pass or fail.  Close does not cut it, and even if it did, how would she know when she was close?  For women who can orgasm, learning to do it during intercourse can be very difficult, for the same reason. We as men can not understand the difficulty many women have reaching orgasm, or doing so during intercourse. We also can’t really understand the frustration this causes.  What’s more, I think most of us significantly down play, or ignore, the frustration women feel from this, and how much it can destroy a woman’s interest in sex.

If your bride struggles in this area, spend a bit of time trying to imagine what it would feel like to have this struggle yourself. Think about  how it would make you feel about yourself, about your body, and about having sex. Even if you wanted sex, can you imagine the mixed excitement and dread that would come from being unsure if you could climax? What if you want to, need to, climax and can’t? What if your spouse gets upset, or impatient, or feels it’s their fault?

Tomorrow I will offer a few suggestions to help her learn to ride that unicycle.

BTW – If you want to catch a glimpse of the conference the bride and I are working, see here.

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