Archive for October, 2009

Sexual satisfaction

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Of the  50,000+ men who answered the "Great Male Survey", a mere 13% reported they are entirely satisfied with their sex lives. Of course there are all kinds of problems with a poll like this, but with a result such as that, it seems safe to say a lot of men are less than fully satisfied

If you are among the less than satisfied majority, what would it take for you to say you were entirely satisfied?  Sex more often? More variety? More enthusiasm from your bride, or more enjoyment on her part?  More of a certain act or position? All of the above?

If you are not fully satisfied, you can be sure your bride knows that - even if you try to hide it. But knowing you are less than satisfied, and knowing all of why you are less than satisfied are two very different things. If you argue about one point (like wanting more sex) but don't discuss all of what you want, she does not have a clear and balanced picture.  Lacking the whole picture, you may seem petty, selfish, or unreasonable, and without all the facts she certainly is limited in how she can improve the situation.

If you are not satisfied, I strongly suggest discussing it with her - but discussing all of it. If she, or you, or both of you, are sick of discussing the issue, maybe start with "I know you know I want ____, but did you know I also desire _____?" If you feel emotionally distant, or disconnected by a sexual lack, let he know that. Let her know you desire her for more than just the physical.

Marriage bed vs. Guest bed

Friday, October 30th, 2009

An e-mail from one of you lead me to this little rant -

Have you ever given your bedroom, and bed, to someone who was visiting your home? I know this is seen as a matter of hospitality - to give a guest the best room in the house. But what does putting someone else in your bed, your marriage bed, say? To me it's more than just a symbolic issue - but that's just me.

Note: Sorry about the double post for Thursday, no sure how I did that.

Rethink who does what

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Have you recently thought about who does what jobs/chores/tasks around your home?

No matter how "fair" and sane the "division of labour" was in the past, odds are changes in your lives make the past plan less than perfect now.  Has either or you gained or lost "free time" recently? Have changes at work made it more or less difficult for either of you to do certain things? Does some new health issue make something more difficult for one of you to do?

Don't forget the kids as you divide up tasks, but also don't treat them as slave labour. Be fair to them, both in what you expect of them as a group, and in how you divide things up among them.

Gift coupons

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Self made gift coupons can be great, if you give her things she wants. A few ideas (add your own on-line with comments):

  • "I'll do the dishes" - be ready to do them, no matter what.
  • "Two hours of TV you want to watch" - exclude the play offs if you must!
  • "Dinner out" - set aside money if you need to.
  • "I'll go get dinner" - as above.
  • "A movie of your choice" - something like "requires 48 hour notice is good".
  • "A very long back rub" - add "with no expectation of sex to follow" if appropriate.

Yes, my wife is sitting there

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

As I was flying to my retreat last week, I changed planes in Vegas. Boarding the plane from Spokane to Vegas we were told it was completely full. I took an aisle seat, leaving an empty between myself and the fellow in the wing seat (Southwest, open seating). A short time later a young lady asked us if the seat was available, and both I and the other fellow said yes. A few minutes later the young lady said to the wing seat guy "Is that," pointing to a woman working her way down the isle, "your wife?" The fellow said it was. The woman said she was talking with his wife before boarding, and that the wife had hoped her husband could save a seat for her. The young women then offered to get up so the couple could sit together. The wing fellow said no!? A couple minutes later, the woman again offered to get up, and the man again said no thanks - but the woman declared she would give up her seat, and both she and I got up as the wife reached us.

I don't know why the fellow refused the offer twice - was he trying to avoid his wife? Was he interested in sitting next to the young lady? Was he just unwilling to put a stranger out? Regardless of the reason, he was willing to start a vacation in Vegas with his wife, sitting next to some other lady on the airplane. In my mind, this is a very bad sign for the future of their marriage, or at least for a happy future.

Do you love your wife enough to let a stranger move? Do you love her enough to ask a stranger to move? How do you think your bride would feel about you doing either?" How would she feel if she knew you turned down an offer to let her sit next to you?

Just something to think about.

Will you stay married after the kids are grown and gone?

Monday, October 26th, 2009

I recently learned that divorce rates in the USofA are no longer growing for all but one group.  Among those who have recently become empty-nesters, the divorce rate is still rising with 1 in 6 couples divorcing fairly soon after their last child leaves home. Why would couples who have been together for 20 to 30 years suddenly divorce? No doubt some of it is couples who "stayed together for the kids" but there is more to it than that. More and more people are so centering their lives around their children that they have no common ground as a couple once the kids are gone.

If your kids are still at home, PLEASE start working on being a couple NOW - it can easily be too late when the kids are gone and the problem becomes apparent. Do things as a couple, without the kids, a couple of times a week. Do at least one vacation a year without the kids, even if it's a weekend a couple hours drive from home.  Work diligently to have common interest and friends, and talk about goals so they will also be common.

If you are already in empty nest trouble, I recommend the book The Second Half of Marriage: Facing the Eight Challenges of the Empty-Nest Years by David & Claudia Arp.

Wife protection mode

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

I'm all for protecting your bride, but I don't think defending her when she is wrong is required, and I am sure that attacking those who try to lovingly show her she is wrong is unacceptable. Certainly we can, and I think should, defend her if she is being attacked, but truth in love is not an attack, and should not be treated as such. I do understand the desire to stand up for your wife, and I do understand how going on the attack can turn the attention from something your wife is doing that is not right - but it's not a right thing to do.

While this issue can harm any man, it is an especially dangerous trap for men in ministry. Any pastor, missionary or other type of Christian leader who is defending his wife's wrong action or words is putting his wife ahead of truth, and ahead of his responsibility to God and to those he leads. Again, this is not about defending one's wife, but about defending something that is clearly wrong. This is a good way to destroy a ministry, and/or hurt a lot of people.

All of this aside, I think we have a God given (or should I say God required) responsibility to lovingly deal with our bride when she is wrong. Ideally we do it before someone else gets to her about it.  If we have already discussed a siltation, then we can easily deal with others by saying "Thank you, we are working through that - please pray for us." However, if we fail to bring it up before someone else does, I think that we must take the attempted correction of another as a time to deal with the issue.

For better or worse

Saturday, October 24th, 2009

I'm guessing that you enjoy the fact that your bride is female. All of the "what was God thinking" stuff aside, she is very nice to be with, and her female parts are particularly enjoyable. But do you apply "for better or worse" to her female sex parts?

Yeah, breasts are great - but they also can limit her (especially if they are large), they get sore once a month, and they make some guys assume she is an idiot. What about her other fun parts - and the trouble they cause her? Menstruation is a mess and a pain - literally on both points. And as much as you hate the mood swings, she hates them more - and she's not thrilled about the bloating and aching that accompany the mood swings.

So, do love her body just when you are enjoying it, or do you love and care for her body all the time? Are you willing to provide massage, hot tea, chocolate, and whatever else will make her feel better? Are you willing to go to the store for her and buy "feminine hygiene products"?

In my experience, how you deal with the less enjoyable parts of her female sexuality will either make you look good or bad in her eyes - there is no real middle ground.

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