Does your marriage need a revolution? Chris Brogan has an interesting post on "tiny revolutions". I suggest you read the post, and think about how you could have a "marriage revolution" that could lead to a better marriage.
Archive for November, 2009
Care for a marriage revolution?
Monday, November 30th, 2009Being thankfull makes your life better
Sunday, November 29th, 2009Today I ran across this article, which documents studies that support the idea that an "attitude of gratitude" is good for us. The studies found that those who daily wrote down what they were thankful for feel better, were happier, and had better sleep.
Certainly it seems like a good idea to give this a try, we have nothing to lose and plenty to gain. But let me suggest a spin on this concept - each day as you list what you are thankful for, but sure to include several ways in which you are thankful for your bride. If you do this regularly, I suspect you will start to feel better about her, and that can only help both of you.
How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?
Saturday, November 28th, 2009As I said last Saturday, how you can go about getting your wife more interested in sex, or more willing to have sex, depends on why she is uninterested or unwilling in the first place. What follows can help you narrow down the issue, but you will have to communicate, watch, and do some detective work.
- First and foremost, if you have significant problems in non-sexual areas, please see this post. If you have non-sexual problems, you should expect to have sexual problems, and you should not expect the sexual problems to begin to improve until some real progress is made on the non-sexual problems. When possible I think it is right and good to try and find a way to accommodate valid sexual needs as the non-sexual problems are being worked on, but this is a less than what anyone wants patch job, not a fix. There are times when such a patch job is not possible, and situations when it's not right to even try.
- If she thinks there are significant non-sexual problems - see above. If the two of you differ on the significance of your non-sexual problems, seek a qualified third party opinion. If her claims seem unjustified, see the next point.
- "I'll have more sex with you when you are perfect." Of course no woman ever says this, but some women do an ongoing bait and switch, hinting or promising more sex if only their husband does such and such - then if he does it, there is another requirement, and another, and another. While this is clearly manipulative and wrong (dare I say sinful?) it is usually just a way of hiding some other issue.
- Not a deep enough relationship. This is not a bad relationship, but rather a lack of a good relationship. Guys can can continue to want, have, and enjoy sex without a real, intimate, ongoing, healthy and growing relationship - women can not do the same.
- She thinks you are over sexed, a pervert, selfish, etc.. This is another one that tends to be a cover for something more.
- She does not enjoy sex. You probably read this as "she does not climax" and may dismiss this if your bride does climax. Please be aware there are women who climax every time, who would really like to never have sex again. Physical pleasure is nice, but for the vast majority of women it's not enough, and if that is all or most of what there is, she can not really enjoy the sex no matter how orgasmic she is.
- Physical pain. Some women hide pain, others give up mentioning it because their husband does not seem to take it seriously. It could be fairly minor pain, but let's face it, it's rather difficult to want or enjoy sex when it always hurts.
- She feels it's wrong/bad/dirty/shameful/sinful. This includes negative body image, especially a negative image of her sex organs. Some women in this category both desire and enjoy sex on occasion, but swing from enjoying to a guilt or fear caused dislike, disgust, or inability to enjoy. Some women in this category can justify having sex a certain number of times a week, but no more. Or they can justify climaxing a certain number of times a month, or a certain percentage of the times they have sex. Pushed past any of these self imposed limits, they will neither want nor enjoy sex, and will likely reject sexual advances.
- Past sexual trauma. This could be sexual abuse as a child, being raped, being pushed for sex by boy friend(s), or other things. Sometimes the results of these past events do not show up at first, or the woman is able to suppress them at first.
- Lack of time or energy. Good sex takes being awake, not being rushed, and good energy. Men are better at having and enjoying sex when they lack time and energy than woman are, so this could be her problem even if you think you do as much or more than she does.
- She has not learned how great sex can be. We have talked with women who have had a "sexual awakening" after 10, 15, 20, even 25 years of marriage. For years these women either avoided sex or did it begrudgingly. Most of them climaxed some of the time, and some of them even wanted sex on occasion, but they would all have been very happy to have sex a couple of times a month at most. Then their awakening, and suddenly once a day seems like not nearly enough. They want it, they crave it, they enjoy it, and they can't imagine life without it. And this is not some short term phase, we know women who "turned on" one, two, five years ago, and are still going strong. The point is this - once a woman experiences what sex can be, what God intended it to be, it becomes very important to her. If a woman can experience sex as God intended - look out!
I will discuss most of the above over the next few Saturdays.
http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2009/11/21/what-sex-should-be/
Buying Guide
Friday, November 27th, 2009This post, and your comments will be for sharing gift ideas for our brides. Links are appreciated, if they are not visually sexual (let's be kind to our brothers who struggle with lust). What I am looking for here is gifts that really thrilled or blessed your bride, unique ideas, and inexpensive gifts - if you have a gift that is all three, PLEASE share!
A few of my ideas:
- A class - anything she has shown an interest in learning to do.
- Latches and a silicone gasket food storage containers. These do not leak, stack nicely, and their rectangular shape is more space efficient.
- Kindle - Yes, it's pricey, but if she is big on reading, it will be a gift she will enjoy regularly for a very long time.
- The Princess Bride [20th Anniversary Edition] - My bride got this for me for my birthday. If you two were among those who memorized the lines to the movie, this is a fun gift.
Giving Thanks
Thursday, November 26th, 2009Today is Thanksgiving in the States. For many it's all about eating too much, or watching football, or it's the start of the "holiday season". For those who follow Jesus, I hope this day is still a day to thank the Lord for all He has done for us. A very few on my list:
- I am deeply thankful to the Lord for my wonderful bride. I am so blessed to have a wife of integrity who lovingly lives with my eccentricities, joins me in my wild adventures, and wants me as much as I want her.
- I am also very thankful this year for the fantastic place He has put us. Our being here is so much His doing, and beyond our wildest dreams.
- I am blessed to be living here with a couple who are as interested in community as we are. As inexperienced as we are, but eager to learn how to do it, and willing to give and receive grace as we learn via trial and error.
- I am thankful that I have a way to serve Him by offering help as He gives me wisdom and a place to be heard. Please know that I care for y'all who read here - my greatest desire if for each of you to grow closer to your Lord and your bride, and take daily delight in both.
- And finally, thank you all for your prayers and support.
Be thankfull, and be blessed,
Paul
Twelve Days
Wednesday, November 25th, 2009One of the gift ideas that is suggested to me each December is to do the twelve days of Christmas for your bride.
It's a fun thing to do, but it can take a good deal of time and effort, so don't start if you can't finish! You will find suggestions on the web for ways to do this, but consider who your bride is and tailor what you do to her. If her love language is gifts, then a daily item gift is great, but if her love language is not gifts, modify to accommodate what makes her feel loved:
- Words of Affirmation - Write out a dozen pages of what you love about her, and come up with different fancy ways to produce and give these pages.
- Acts of Service - Give her coupons for things you will do for her. Give her guidelines on coupon redemption that ensure you can fulfill things in a timely way.
- Physical Touch - Give coupons for massage, foot rubs, back scratching, or whatever other forms of touch she craves.
- Quality Time - Give coupons good for a date or some other time alone with you.
By the way, while the traditional twelve days of Christmas start on December 26th, I would suggest you set the twelve days to fit your lives. If she is very busy leading up to the holidays, the 26th might be a good choice, but for other situations a different twelve days will be better.
E-mail change:
Due to spam issues with the built-in e-mail delivery system, the system will be discontinued the end of this week. Users of the built-in system will need to subscribe via FeedBurner. If you see "Email delivery powered by Google" bottom right of your e-mailed tip, you are on the FeedBurner system. If you don't see Google, you are on the built-in and need to move.
You may unsub from the built-in system by following the directions here, or just wait - when the system is turned off on the 28th e-mails will stop.
Instead of gifts …
Tuesday, November 24th, 2009As discussed in this tip, studies have found that people usually enjoy money spent on experiences (going out together) more than spending the same amount of money on buying "things". So, something to consider for Christmas instead of exchanging gifts with your bride; take the money you would spend and use it for a trip together. This could be a trip over or near Christmas, or a trip at another time.
Along these lines, my bride and our 18 year old son spent last Christmas at the beach - and we loved it. We hit a casino buffet for Christmas dinner, saw some great lighting displays at tourist spots, watched a storm come in, and window shopped. We all enjoyed it so much we are discussing doing something similar this year. This won't work so well with younger kids, but if you don't have kids at home or have older kids at home it can work well.
cyber-feedback
Monday, November 23rd, 2009This tip was prompted by the comment on a recent post. In part the comment said:
She had a line up of cyber friends that she convinced that I was controlling and manipulative because I knew something was wrong, snooped a bit, and found her affairs. Of course, they would only get a short, twisted, one sided version of what went on.
In ten years of reading and moderating the TMB message boards I have seen this over and over - folks go looking for someone to support them, to tell them they are okay and their spouse is all wrong. To ensure this response, folks give grossly distorted versions of what happened, leaving out anything that makes them look bad and anything that makes their spouse look good.
But isn't that really just an extreme example of something we all do often? It's human nature to put the best light possible on ourselves, and to make others look bad if doing so makes us look less bad.
If being told you are okay and your bride is a mess is your goal, if that makes you feel good and is the best you can hope for, then skewing reality when you talk about your bride or your marriage is fine - keep doing it and you will get more of the same. However, if you want an honest third party opinion, if you want someone to kick your butt when you blow it, if you want your friends to encourage you to be a better man/husband/lover, then work on being brutally honest. Better yet, let what you say about her show the benefit of the doubt, while what you say about you is rather harsh.
Improve the web with Nofollow Reciprocity.