I can’t get an act of service in!

November 4, 2009

in Acts of Service

I recently had someone say his wife is an act of service person. That means she feels love when he does acts of service, but it also means she tends to show love by doing acts of service.  Problem is she is so good at it, he has a hard time doing any act of service as she keeps beating him to them!

While I understand the problem he has, I suspect there is another problem – my guess is that acts of service is not his love language.  So she is keeping him from making her feeling loved, and she is not making him feel loved. The point of love languages is that we each need to learn the way our spouse feels loved, and learn to do those things. It’s very natural that we all show love in the way we feel love, but odds are very good our spouses don’t feel loved by they things that make us feel loved – and visa-versa.

If you and your bride have not both read The Five Love Languages, I strongly urge you to do so.

2 comments
izack18
izack18

I just finished The Five Love Languages! Great book. Some ideas… Find something she is NOT expecting to be done. Don't try to do the dishes, dust, or make the bed if you know she will get to them before you. Do understand that this may be her way of showing you love (even if it's not your love language). Instead, try to do something a bit different! Hand wash her car, and make sure it has a full tank of gas, or fix something that she likes that is broken. Be careful not to do something for you; use your imagination and do it for her! Also, you may even tell her that you want to do something for her, then, ask what she would like for you to do! This is more concrete but could be tricky if you wife is vague. If she says “Do something” then you may have to probe a bit (very carefully!), however if she said “Could you clean the ceiling fans? I have a hard time reaching them”, you’re in business! Finally if neither work, try taking something over WHILE she is doing it! Rap your arms around her while she is doing dishes, cuddle her a bit and tell her you love her, then gently restrain her arms and insist on you doing them! I'm not saying push her out of the way, but even if she doesn't want to move, at least stand up there and rinse and dry them. Did I mention telling her you love her? Link her love language with the words! Then they will mean more when said. You may not want to do the dishes (or whatever other service she beats you to) but it's likely she don't always feel like it either. Get over being full, the video game, favorite show and take over what she is doing as soon as you notice her doing it (DON’T WAIT UNTIL SHE IS ALMOST DONE!). And no matter which (or all) of these you do make sure you reinforce WHY you are doing it, telling her... I LOVE YOU. One last thing… Make sure that if ever start linking the words “I love you” to services, make sure you to it frequently enough so that her learned association is not confused when you start spouting the words but not showing her! Trust me, those words can get real hollow real quick if you are not very specific as to when and why you say them! Good luck!

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

Having recently finished reading The Five Love Languages for the first time and I can second your recommendation. Going only by the definitions and before we read the book, what my precious one and I did was to write down what we thought our primary and secondary languages were and then those of each other. We then put them in a sealed envelope to be opened after we both read the book. It was an eye-opening exercise, considering that we both agree that we have a very good relationship. I learned a lot also about my children and after discussing the book with them we discussed their love languages. It was a profound conversation for them as well! The things I learned in this book will certainly be beneficial as I continue to be good, just as I was created to be!

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