Fear of intimacy

November 5, 2009

in 1 + 1 = 1

Do you hold back with your bride? Do you have a difficult time being really open with her, or feel uncomfortable if you spend too much time together? Do you like sex, but dislike laying together awake after sex? All of these are an indication of a fear of intimacy.

If this is you, I would say that on some level you fear what would happen if you did these things. The possibilities are nearly endless. Some reasons don’t make rational sense – and those are the most difficult to deal with. A few to get you thinking:

  • If you do these things are weak
  • If you do these things, she “wins”
  • If you do more, she will do less
  • She might come to expect it
  • She might appreciate it and do something nice for you
  • She might want to be more intimate (in general)
  • If you need her, she has control over you
  • There are parts of yourself you don’t want to share, or don’t want her to know about

It seems to me that when we marry, we are promising to become one – and that requires us to be intimate in every way possible.  If you are holding back, if you are fighting intimacy, you are failing to fulfill your promise to be her husband. If this is you, may I suggest you fess up to her?  Tell her you know you are holding back, and if you have any idea why, share that as well.  Be clear that you know this is about you, not her, and is a result of your fear or sin, not anything she has or has not done. As for her prayers, patience and support as you work to change.

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