Just fix the sex

November 7, 2009

in Sexuality

“…they wanted to talk about sex, and wanted me to repair their “low desire” for each other. I told them that low desire with someone you don’t like or trust isn’t pathological, isn’t a problem to fix. Instead, I said, we needed to address the toxic environment in which they thought they should be wanting sex.” Dr. Marty Klein, on his blog.

Dr. Klein is not a Christian, and you won’t like some of his world view, but he is dead on in the post I quote from above. Sex does not happen in a vacuum, and every part of your life has some impact on your sexuality. In particular, every contact you have with your bride in some way helps or hurts sex for both of you.  It doesn’t take many negatives to dampen her desire for sex, and her ability to enjoy sex. And while we guys are generally better(?) at having sex despite a relationship full of problems, these problems do harm our desire and enjoyment – especially if we are no longer in the grip of the blind physical drive of our teens and 20s.

There are exceptions, but for most the best way to get a better sex life is to start by working on thing totally unrelated to sex. Learn to communicate, to enjoy time together, to care and honour each other, and good sex will be a lot more easily had.

BTW, I know that sometimes the relationship problems got much worse after sex fell off, and sometimes the problems are largely the fault of a drop off in sex.  But don’t let the assumed cause and effect lead you to think the thing to work on is sex; regardless of why there are non-sexual problems, they are hurting your sex life

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