cyber-feedback

November 23, 2009

in Beyond the Marriage, Good Marriage

This tip was prompted by the comment on a recent post.  In part the comment said:

She had a line up of cyber friends that she convinced that I was controlling and manipulative because I knew something was wrong, snooped a bit, and found her affairs. Of course, they would only get a short, twisted, one sided version of what went on.

In ten years of reading and moderating the TMB message boards I have seen this over and over – folks go looking for someone to support them, to tell them they are okay and their spouse is all wrong. To ensure this response, folks give grossly distorted versions of what happened, leaving out anything that makes them look bad and anything that makes their spouse look good.

But isn’t that really just an extreme example of something we all do often?  It’s human nature to put the best light possible on ourselves, and to make others look bad if doing so makes us look less bad.

If being told you are okay and your bride is a mess is your goal, if that makes you feel good and is the best you can hope for, then skewing reality when you talk about your bride or your marriage is fine – keep doing it and you will get more of the same.  However, if you want an honest third party opinion, if you want someone to kick your butt when you blow it, if you want your friends to encourage you to be a better man/husband/lover, then work on being brutally honest.  Better yet, let what you say about her show the benefit of the doubt, while what you say about you is rather harsh.

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