As I said last Saturday, how you can go about getting your wife more interested in sex, or more willing to have sex, depends on why she is uninterested or unwilling in the first place. What follows can help you narrow down the issue, but you will have to communicate, watch, and do some detective work.
- First and foremost, if you have significant problems in non-sexual areas, please see this post. If you have non-sexual problems, you should expect to have sexual problems, and you should not expect the sexual problems to begin to improve until some real progress is made on the non-sexual problems. When possible I think it is right and good to try and find a way to accommodate valid sexual needs as the non-sexual problems are being worked on, but this is a less than what anyone wants patch job, not a fix. There are times when such a patch job is not possible, and situations when it’s not right to even try.
- If she thinks there are significant non-sexual problems – see above. If the two of you differ on the significance of your non-sexual problems, seek a qualified third party opinion. If her claims seem unjustified, see the next point.
- “I’ll have more sex with you when you are perfect.” Of course no woman ever says this, but some women do an ongoing bait and switch, hinting or promising more sex if only their husband does such and such – then if he does it, there is another requirement, and another, and another. While this is clearly manipulative and wrong (dare I say sinful?) it is usually just a way of hiding some other issue.
- Not a deep enough relationship. This is not a bad relationship, but rather a lack of a good relationship. Guys can can continue to want, have, and enjoy sex without a real, intimate, ongoing, healthy and growing relationship – women can not do the same.
- She thinks you are over sexed, a pervert, selfish, etc.. This is another one that tends to be a cover for something more.
- She does not enjoy sex. You probably read this as “she does not climax” and may dismiss this if your bride does climax. Please be aware there are women who climax every time, who would really like to never have sex again. Physical pleasure is nice, but for the vast majority of women it’s not enough, and if that is all or most of what there is, she can not really enjoy the sex no matter how orgasmic she is.
- Physical pain. Some women hide pain, others give up mentioning it because their husband does not seem to take it seriously. It could be fairly minor pain, but let’s face it, it’s rather difficult to want or enjoy sex when it always hurts.
- She feels it’s wrong/bad/dirty/shameful/sinful. This includes negative body image, especially a negative image of her sex organs. Some women in this category both desire and enjoy sex on occasion, but swing from enjoying to a guilt or fear caused dislike, disgust, or inability to enjoy. Some women in this category can justify having sex a certain number of times a week, but no more. Or they can justify climaxing a certain number of times a month, or a certain percentage of the times they have sex. Pushed past any of these self imposed limits, they will neither want nor enjoy sex, and will likely reject sexual advances.
- Past sexual trauma. This could be sexual abuse as a child, being raped, being pushed for sex by boy friend(s), or other things. Sometimes the results of these past events do not show up at first, or the woman is able to suppress them at first.
- Lack of time or energy. Good sex takes being awake, not being rushed, and good energy. Men are better at having and enjoying sex when they lack time and energy than woman are, so this could be her problem even if you think you do as much or more than she does.
- She has not learned how great sex can be. We have talked with women who have had a “sexual awakening” after 10, 15, 20, even 25 years of marriage. For years these women either avoided sex or did it begrudgingly. Most of them climaxed some of the time, and some of them even wanted sex on occasion, but they would all have been very happy to have sex a couple of times a month at most. Then their awakening, and suddenly once a day seems like not nearly enough. They want it, they crave it, they enjoy it, and they can’t imagine life without it. And this is not some short term phase, we know women who “turned on” one, two, five years ago, and are still going strong. The point is this – once a woman experiences what sex can be, what God intended it to be, it becomes very important to her. If a woman can experience sex as God intended – look out!
I will discuss most of the above over the next few Saturdays.
Other parts of this series (current page in bold):
- How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?
- Shifting blame to avoid sex, and to avoid dealing with avoiding sex
- Relational intimacy vs sexual intimacy
- She does not enjoy sex
- She does not enjoy sex – physical pain or discomfort
- She feels it’s wrong/bad/dirty/shameful/sinful
- Past sexual trauma
- Not enough time or energy for sex
- She just has not experienced how great sex can be
- Sexual desire in women – spontaneous or triggered?
- Wrapping it up