I’ll have more sex with you when you are perfect. As I said before, no woman ever says that, but some women do have an ongoing bait and switch, hinting or promising more sex if only their husband does such and such – then if he does it, there is another requirement, and another, and another. Or, a woman blames the lack of sex on something beyond her power to change, and if that thing does change, there is a new problem beyond her power to change.
While some small percentage of this might be simply a way to manipulate and get what she wants, I doubt that is a primary motivation for most women who do it. Really this is about dodging responsibility for her actions – or should I say for actions she won’t engage in? This is blame shifting pure and simple, and is nothing more than a way to not deal with the real issue.
You are over-sexed/You are a pervert/Marriage is about more than sex/Is that all you ever think about/Why are you so selfish. These, and the other variations, are more blame shifting. Rather than deal with the problem, she says you have a problem. Does she believe you have a problem? She may, and she may know better. Either way, she is avoiding the real situation.
Blame shifting makes it very difficult to deal with things because the real issue gets pushed away in favour of the false blame issue. When you try to discuss the real issue, she may accuse you of changing the subject – a bit of hypocrisy, that.
So, how do you get past the blame issue(s)?
- Don’t play: Let her know you see these things as a way of hiding from bigger and more important issues, and you are not going to fight about or even discuss these issues as it just prevents the two of you from dealing with what needs to be dealt with.
- Call her bluff: Offer to see a qualified third party to sort out what is real and what is not.
- State the facts as you see them: Your sex life is not acceptable, and would not be acceptable to any reasonable, sexually healthy person.
- Batten down the hatches and weather the storm: If you have put up with these things in the past, rather than clearly and definitively doing any of the above, you have become a willing participant in her fiction. Doing any (or all) of the above is changing the rules, and will likely be seen as a betrayal. She will be angry, hurt, withdrawn, etc..
- Give her time to find a new stance:
- She might refuse to give up her current blame shifting.
- She might find a new blame shift.
- She could find other ways to avoid sex.
- She might admit to herself something is wrong.
- She could admit to you that something is wrong.
- In either of the last two, she may admit it and do nothing to work on it – or she might work for change.
- Repeat or move forward: If her new stance is not correct, you will have do the whole thing again. You might have to do this several times before she realises you are serious. On the other hand, if she shows any willingness to change, be loving and supportive, and give her time and space to prove she is serious.
Yes, this is risky – you might really upset her, and who knows what she might do. The bottom line here is this, do you want to keep the peace, or do you want to deal with the issues? I would suggest that blame shifting relies on the other person being willing to live with it rather than risk what speaking the truth might cause. Blame shifting is emotional blackmail – give in at your own peril.
Other parts of this series (current page in bold):
- How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?
- Shifting blame to avoid sex, and to avoid dealing with avoiding sex
- Relational intimacy vs sexual intimacy
- She does not enjoy sex
- She does not enjoy sex – physical pain or discomfort
- She feels it’s wrong/bad/dirty/shameful/sinful
- Past sexual trauma
- Not enough time or energy for sex
- She just has not experienced how great sex can be
- Sexual desire in women – spontaneous or triggered?
- Wrapping it up