She does not enjoy sex.

December 19, 2009

in Series, Sexuality

This is the forth part in the “How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?” series – She does not enjoy sex.  The remaining parts of this series will for the most part be a discussion of reasons women don’t enjoy sex, but first let’s look at what it means, to a woman, to enjoy sex – you may be surprised!

For guys sexual enjoyment is simple and basic; if we climax, it was good!  Okay, there’s more to it than that, but most of us don’t call sex bad if we climax, and this is especially true if she climaxes too.  But women are not the same way.   Most women have had sex they would call very good that did not include an orgasm, and most women have had sex they would classify as bad that did include an orgasm.  In fact, although it’s rarely discussed, it is possible for a woman to climax during rape (violent, scared she is going to die rape).  I mention this to show that climax is a physical reaction that proves nothing about the emotions or thoughts that during sex that leads to climax.

Am I saying climax is unimportant to women?  No, I’m not.  I’m trying to show that it’s different for women, and that climax is not proof of enjoyment.  On the other hand, if she rarely or never climaxes, it is very unlikely that she will continue to want sex or derive any enjoyment out of it.

What makes sex good for a woman?  Good sex is intimate; it connects, it draws a woman closer to her man, makes her feel loved, cared for, and treasured. Sex in a loving, intimate, trusting relationship is usually good sex, while sex in a cold, untrusting, non-intimate or non-loving relationship is generally bad sex.  Her own ideas about sex can also make it bad when it should be good – see the next couple of Saturdays.

Is sex good for your bride? Are you sure?  Just asking, “was it good for you” won’t do it. Women often try to convince their husband sex is better than it really is.  They do this for a variety of reasons:

  • His ego
  • Self protection
  • Negative feelings about sex – why work to improve something that causes guilt or shame
  • She feels it’s her fault, so why make him feel bad
  • Unwilling to work on it, so why bother
  • Past experience of husband getting frantic or doing crazy things to try and make sex better

If you have any doubt, if you are in any way unsure, I suggest you talk with her.  Have the discussion apart from being sexual, and make it non-accusatory.  Let her know that her enjoyment is important to you, including her enjoyment of sex.  Ask her to think for a day or two and let you know what she feels is lacking in your marriage, both in and out of the marriage bed. Ask her what you could do, or not do, to make things better for her – in any area.  Then, and this is very important, listen without defending or getting hurt.  Accept what she says as her valid opinion, no matter how much it differs from your view of things.  Tell her you want to think and pray on what she has said, and you would like to continue the discussion at a later date.

Other parts of this series (current page in bold):

Redeemed 74
Redeemed 74

My wife has been raped by her father at 13-15 years of age. We are currently on our third year of marriage and I'm 41 she's 45. I knew this going into the marriage and to be honest it has been an up hill battle. I am addicted to porn and know that it is spiritual cancer. I'm a born again believer in Jesus and His blood shed on the cross. It's a daily battle to not corrupt my eyes by the filth of porn. My wife knows all about it and I haven't looked at porn in years....we have a good relationship outside of the marriage bed. We pray together everyday at least once. I love her so much. I've been reading your articles and shared some with her. 1) I've been having horrible now ghtmares of her with other men...the thought is heart wrenching. 2) after she read your article on giving a man what he wants...paraphrasing.... The one addressed to women which you hardly ever do :) she was very receive five and through the day we flirted and I was so excited like a kid at Christmas haha!! Then when it came to the bed room for play was good and she asked if she could do it and I was all sure!!! So I backed away and the mood was killed..... evidently she wanted me to continue and she was gonna help me. Said all this to say the truth came out that I don't please her and I'm ...crushed....initially .... then realized the truth hurts.... I'm completely lost inadequate but I keep tells by myself it's at least the truth and a clean start. What is it? What do I do? She deserves to be pleased and more than anything that's what I want to do. My past experience is very slim and I realized that I'm not the stud I thought I was. Praying for grace and confidence. Is sex worth it?

themarriagebed moderator

@Redeemed 74  I would say it's not about you. If she has not dealt with her past I doubt anyone could please her. 

It's like a train from one city to another with some switched set wrong along the way. She starts out on the right track, but then she gets diverted, and getting to the destination is impossible. 

Is it worth it? It is when it works as God intended - worth it for both of you.

My #1 suggestion would be to try and get her plugged in with Shannon Ethridge Ministries. It would be amazing if she could do a Women at the Well Intensive Workshop ( - I've heard amazing things for women who have done them.


This is very good. But it can take years, to see significant changes. But the good part is that in this long proccess you will get to know your bride so much better, and your relationship will grow in all kinds of ways, not just sexual. Hard to do, but it's worth it.


  1. […] may think she enjoys sex when in fact, she does not. The fact a woman has an orgasm does not mean she is glad she had […]

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