Archive for February, 2010

Kindness to the least of them

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

As part of our "go to town”, my bride and I eat at a local buffet a couple of times a month. (It's part of a national chain that seems to give each franchise a good deal of autonomy – I’ve eaten at them in a dozen cities and they vary a great deal.) We generally go mid-afternoon, avoiding both the lunch and dinner rushes. The majority of those eating with us at that time are retired folks.

We have watched with interest and delight at how the waitresses treat their older customers – most of them regulars.  They know them by name, and they touch them on the arm, ask about how they are, and share about their own lives. A fellow will ask one waitress how her college classes are going, a woman asks another waitress about her kids. When one young waitress became pregnant for the first time, everyone was thrilled for her, and I overheard one table talking about what a great mother she would be. Another waitress was showing pictures of her cats recently; telling about the new one, and how it was upsetting one of the other cats. All of this is done in short bits, and we've never seen it prevent the wait staff from doing everything that needs to be done.

When these older folks leave, several of the waitresses will say goodbye by name. Some of the customers get hugs, a few a kiss on the cheek. Some customers say, "I'll see you tomorrow" or ask when a particular waitress is working again. Some plan when to eat there based on the schedule of a favourite waitress.

I don’t think the caring and attention being shown by the waitresses is just about getting a better tip. Some of the customers are no doubt on a fixed income, and some of them frankly don't tip very well - but they are treated with the same love respect. You can't fake that kind of interest in someone day after day - if it's fake, it will show through. These women honestly seem to care. I am aware that at least some of the waitresses are dedicated followers of Jesus, so that may explain some of it. It also seems that management must be in favour of this, and even staffs enough waitresses to make it possible. It's no doubt good for business (I recently saw them fairly busy on a February in Tuesday, traditionally a very bad time for restaurants) but I find it hard to believe that it was started for that reason.

Regardless of why this has developed, I am sure that some of the customers get more love, attention, and touch at a meal at this buffet than they get the rest of the week. I am deeply moved by what the wait staff is doing for folks who tend to be sidelined and ignored. It seems very much to me to be WJWD (what Jesus would do).

Is there a tip in all of this?  Maybe not.  My hope is that this will inspire all of us to be better, to do better, and to find ways small and large to show love and respect for those who have become accustomed to very little of either.




Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:


Budget Software Reviews: Choose Your Tool for Successful Money Management: Dustin does a review of various tools for managing your money.

The Nice Guy Rebellion: Corey further unpacks the nice guy, who he is, and why it's not a good thing.
Nice People Sex … Boring: Being too nice hurts your sex life. Corey said the nice guy "..constantly complains he’s not getting enough, or it’s unsatisfying..." - very interesting!
Want to Improve Your Marriage? Build a Budget!: Another great post on a topic I have failed to cover here.

What Every Facebooking Couple Should DO to Protect Their Marriage!: A great article on a very important topic.

The Silent Treatment Can be Good for My Marriage!: This post by The Beautiful WifeTM (of Stu) was aimed at women, but some men (myself at the top of the list) need to do this as well.  And the rest of you can point your bride to the article!

Is the pill killing her sex drive?

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

This is a tricky issue because the needed science has not been done. I'm not one of those who thinks "Big Pharm" is out to get us all, but there is no doubt that drug companies, and a lot of others, don't want this to be true - and if it is true, they don't really want the word to get out.

Complaints of the pill killing sex drive have been around as long as the pill has, but the claims have been dismissed as anecdotal. Some respond by pointing out that some women have more sex when they go on the pill. An initial increase in sex is likely because sex is easier and there is less concern about birth control failing - this increase in sex has nothing to do with the pill changing the body or the mind, it is a simple matter of one less hurdle to being sexual.  The reality is many of the women who have more sex at first will later be complaining of loss of sex drive. Others will point out that going off the pill rarely results in a significant increase in sex drive - this is true, but it turns out it's not proof the pill is innocent, but rather evidence that what the pill does may be far worse than previously imagined.

The science below is from a well done study that was released January 2006(1) .

The pill changes a woman's hormones. Given that our hormones directly and indirectly affect our minds and our bodies, it's easy to see how this could impact sexuality. The pill does several things that harm her ability to want or enjoy sex. Firstly, the pill reduces production of testosterone by the ovaries. While is true that testosterone alone does not drive a woman sexually, it is part of the equation, and when testosterone is reduced it often harms a woman's libido. The second way the pill affects a woman's sexuality is by increasing the liver's production of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). SHBG is a protein that attaches to free testosterone in the blood stream. This locks the testosterone up, making it unavailable for the body to use. Therefore, in addition to having less total testosterone, much of what is left is inactive. Thirdly, the pill contains progesterone - a hormone known to reduce sex drive. A rise in progesterone after ovulation is why most women's sex drive drops suddenly and strongly at mid cycle. A drop in progesterone shortly before menstruation means some women have a drive boost shortly before their period starts.

So if it's hurting her sex drive, she just stops using it and everything is fine, right?  Sadly not. In studies of SHBG levels women on the pill had four times the levels of women who never took the pill - however, women who had stopped taking the pill had SHBG levels twice as high as those who never took the pill. So yes, there was an improvement, but the women didn't return to pre-pill levels. The study only look at women off the pill less than a year, so it's not known if levels of SHBG eventually drop below double normal. Some doctors and researchers think the body may be permanently changed. At least one research group is looking for a way to reverse this change.

The bottom line is that currently more is unknown that known. We don't know how wide spread, how serious, or how long- term the pills damage to sex drive is. We do know that for at least some women it's very bad, and the best current research suggests that every women should experience some sex drive loss from the pill. I don't mean to be an alarmist, and I am not giving medical advice here, but I think any couple using the pill for contraception should know the facts - or at least the facts we have.

1 Impact of Oral Contraceptives on Sex Hormone Binding Globulin and Androgen Levels: A Retrospective Study in Women with Sexual Dysfunction J Sex Med. 2006 Jan;3(1):104-13.
More information: Birth Control Controlling Your Sex Drive?

Touch is not sex

Friday, February 26th, 2010

The ladies over at Christian Nymphos ran a poll asking women what their husband's love language was.  The clear winner at 49% of the 279 votes, was "Touch". If you ask men the same question, you will probably get a similar answer - with some of them adding that they "really enjoy sex". However, enjoying sex, wanting a lot of sex, or wanting more sex, has nothing to do with the touch love language. While sex can partially feed the touch love language, it will never fully satisfy someone with that need; on the other hand individuals who have little or no touch hunger can very much enjoy sex.

I think many men are cheating their-self, and their bride, by failing to understand what their love language(s) is/are. If it's not touch, saying it's touch probably does not result in more sex, and it means the real love language is not getting the attention it should. I can understand that the need for sex may be far greater than for your love language, but getting that love language met would make you feel better, and would make her feel better to be able to meet a need. In the long run it would very likely increased the odds of more sex.

There is an on-line love language test that you can take to see what your love languages are.  As you answer questions that are about touch, please read that as non-sexual touch that won't lead to sex. After you take the test, share the results with your bride, and then ask her to take the test (without you looking over her shoulder) and share her results with you.

Take responsibility for your own mess

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

When I say, "Take responsibility for your own mess", I don't mean the mess you left in the kitchen, or on the bedroom floor (although doing that is certainly a good and loving thing). I mean the messes in your thinking and emotions. You know, those things that are a result of something in your past - places where you don't react as most folks would, and your reaction is neither healthy nor loving.

Sure, you should expect your loving bride to cut you some slack where you are wounded, just as you do for her (you do cut her some slack where she is wounded, right?), but that does not free you from the responsibility to work on those things.

How can we do this better?

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

From Seth Godin a while back:

"In most interactions, we take a defensive posture. We try to defend the brand, or our turf or our job. The problem with defense is that it's static. The best way to get smarter, to embrace and to cause change and to triumph in times of market turmoil is to adopt the scientific method.

Ask yourself, 'what do I believe that's wrong? How can I change the way I do things? What works? What doesn't?'"

I would say we do the same in our marriage - we defend the way things are, the way we do have always done things. I think this is particularly true of men - we tend to want our home life to run smoothly, and that means the status quo, consistency, what is known and comfortable.  However, blindly following this course means our bride is stuck, even if she wants or needs something to change. I've seen more than a couple of men ignore their wife's growing frustration, not acknowledging it till she does something drastic.

So I would echo Seth - and ask you to regularly ask your wife "What do you think is wrong? How can we change the way we do things? What works? What doesn't?"

Rate the value of your time use

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

What would it look like if you were to list all the things that take up your time, and then rated how much value each of those things has to your life? What if you rated how much value those things have to your marriage?

How do you even assign value to your activities?  It's clear that "recreation" is beneficial to both physical and mental/emotional health, but how much do we need? Some of what is of great value to you won't be of direct value to your marriage, but anything that is good for you can benefit your marriage, if the time you spend does not rob your marriage too much.  How you pick and choose is a balancing act, and the relative value of things will change as your life and marriage grow and change.

There is no way to complete this thought exercise, but I think concide4ring it can be helpful. Maybe a good question to ask yourself is “What value has the X hours of my life had to me – to my marriage?”

Tell her the good stuff, over and over and over.

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

The other day I saw something aimed at those who are dating - it said that saying nice things tends to make a romantic interest feel good, even if the one who is hearing them feels they are untrue or exaggerated. If exaggeration can make a woman feel good about herself, how much more will honest expressions of how wonderful she is, or how blessed you are to be with her? So tell her those good truths, and do it often.

Love your enemies – and your bride – Redux

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

Had some comments both on-line and via e-mail about my Love your enemies – and your bride post last week.  I realise that the passages I used are about an enemy, not a spouse - but shouldn't our spouse be treated even better than we are told to treat those who don't like us? Scriptural commands such "love your neighbour as yourself", "prefer one another" and "do unto others" take it even further - and pretty much wipe out any excuse for selfishness or putting our bride's wants/needs/dreams below our own.

All that said, I do realise that there are women who will no doubt take advantage of a man who does these things. Give more, and she will ask for more. Put up with something, and she will get even worse. Certainly, we are not to be doormats, and certainly we are not called to endlessly put up with sinful behaviour aimed at us. I don't know where to draw that line, but based on what I see in the scriptures I would think we do well to err on the side of being the one wronged.

Finally, I don't see this as being a headship issue - except that those who lead are supposed to set an example, and are supposed to server, not rule.




Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Valentine's Day is Over. Now What? Stu had some good thoughts on Love as a lifestyle

Money Help: Just in time for Valentine’s Day - This post by Lori Lowe points out that financial problems hurt marriages
Money Help: Become a Financially Free Couple
- Follow up to the post above, with some great help links

The Nice Guy Syndrome - Cory covers a growing problem - men who are 'too nice".  Good stuff.

Thirty Ways to Love Your Lover - Excellent article by Dennis Rainey

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