When she’s not feeling it, but it’s there.

March 20, 2010

in Sexuality

Note – just saw that part of this was never finished – left with cryptic notes to myself.  Fixed now.

Good write up here of a very interesting study of how men and women differ when it comes to sexual arousal. The study looked at self reported feelings of arousal and instrument based readings of physical arousal. In other words, they compared arousal of the body to feeling around in the mind. The head of the study said about woman “They can have physiological responses and not feel sexually aroused. But that’s normal.” But men’s brains and bodies were almost always in agreement.

Some of this, I suspect, is based in our biology. It’s pretty difficult to not feel an erection, so we guys tend to know when we are physically aroused. A woman’s arousal is far more subtle – a slight increase of moisture in an already moist place is easily missed – especially given the lack of nerves in the vagina.  What’s more, our physical reaction changes rapidly as our arousal changes, whereas the women don’t have the same thing. Along similar lines, I think this is why men usually have a much better understanding of what arouses them. Remember the early days of puberty, when any sexual though or image resulted in an erection? This quickly teaches us what we find arousing, and that feedback system continues into our adult lives (with, thankfully, a bit less obvious results when we are in public.

There are several things that all of this teaches us:

  • If her body is turned on, but not her mind is not, sex is not going to work well.
  • Her lack of physical feedback for arousal means she can be unaware that something turns her on, and/or can choose to ignore that something turns her on if it’s not “acceptable” to her that it does.
  • As we guys age we have fewer erections, and they take longer to occur. This is a physical fact of aging, and does not necessarily reflect our sexual desire. We should not take fewer erections as a sign we want less, and our bride should think our not getting erect at the first hint of nudity as an indication that she is no longer desired.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Jerome - I wouldn't say they are not honest with themselves, but rather they don't feel it, so it must not be there. A lot of guys are the same way about certain emotions! The rest is a choice she has made - a choice that is selfish and destructive. See the Sunday tip for a new blog for women, from a woman who is all about having sex with one's husband because she had figured out how important it is to do that!


I read a similar study a year or so ago. It indicated that women became physically aroused by stimuli that they claimed did not affect them. Conclusion: women aren't even honest with THEMSELVES about sex. Anybody besides me? Cold, stormy Saturday afternoon, maybe the last of the year. Sounds pretty romantic to me. I approached her for sex last night; she made a face. Later she seemed to have plenty of energy to go to a friend's house and stay late. Today . . . both worked until noon and now she says she can't be bothered to shower before the gym opens at three, giving us just enough time to make our dinner engagement - which we made at HER suggestion. Bottom line: no mention of sex and it's clearly not on the radar.

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