Her fear of you growing or changing

April 29, 2010

in Beyond the Marriage, Communication, Marriage Killer

This is an obvious follow up on yesterday’s tip – Fear of her growing or changing.

As I said yesterday, we guys are less prone to change, but when we do change it is often sudden and extreme. A growing dissatisfaction with our life, our job, or coming face to face with our mortality can cause us to make very big changes with seemingly little thought. As men, we tend to have a “my wife will follow me anywhere” thing going – even guys who think they are past that often seem to act as if it’s so.

Just realise that your bride needs time to think and process when you want to make a change. Charging ahead while she is trying to do the thinking and processing is almost always a bad plan. Leaving her with the choices of tagging along and walking away does not make her feel respected or important, and even if she does go along, you can’t know how much she does or does not want to go along.

Ultimately, the way to avoid problems is to communicate. If she is aware of your frustrations, and of those growing, she won’t be blindsided by your desire to do something to change things. If she hears your various hopes and dreams over the long haul, she will have a better idea of who you are and where you might be headed. She can also have input on the various directions you might take, which will help you to know if something is likely to be a problem with her.

4 comments
Bill
Bill

This is definitely the case in our marriage except that we clash often on the areas where I want to make change and her resistance to it. It is getting quite difficult to deal with, honestly. I am a different person now than I was when we were first married six years ago. I am alot more conscious about myself and where I want to go, or at least that I don't want to go along with the status quo anymore. She likes the routine. I am afraid to even ask myself the question "would I marry her again" let alone honestly answer it. I fear that she senses this too and she has even stated on many occasions that she fears the day that she is the next thing to change out of my life. That's the thing though, I want her in my life, I do love her. I vowed to love her through good and bad. What I want is her love regardless to how much money I make or whether my hours are always predictable. Its ironic actually, we both feel stuck though in different and competing ways. She feels trapped with our two girls in our small house all day and sees the answer as a bigger house. I feel stuck in my day job because we have a mortgage, debt, and bills to pay and see the answer as simplifying our expenses so that I can work towards self-employment. Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@ Bill - The thing about it is she is part of why you are the man you are today. Had you not married her, you would have changed, but differently. Personally I don't understand folks who DON'T change. Not saying it's bad, I just can't imagine not changing. Keep telling your bride that you love her, and always will. Help her to see it's one of the things in your life that won't change.

Carla
Carla

This is so true! My husband is very open to communication (He even talks more that I do, believe it or not.) I know all of his frustrations of work... and that he is very near his breaking point. So if he were to randomly decide to quit his job or make a sudden career change.. well, it won't be quite so random to me. And yes, I personally would follow him anywhere.. but it is certainly nice to know where we are going, so I can prepare myself. Idk, maybe some guys just don't want to burden their wives, or maybe they're afraid of what she might think. But honestly, I would much rather walk through the fire with him then be left wondering what's going on --and suddenly I'm engulfed in flames! <

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."-Winston Churchill "Therefore, you be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect."-Jesus Christ The Greek word Jesus uses here that is translated 'perfect', telios, better means 'to be completed', 'lacking nothing needed', 'to be fnished'. Like a carpenter working on a new creation till his creation reaches a point where there is nothing more that needs to be done. The new creation is telios and of course, the carpenter, at that point, would say, "It is perfect!". All metaphors intended. And so, just like the wood being used in this new creation undergoes radical transformation, undergoes change, to become what it will be, good and complete, so will those re-sired of Jehovah be changed and often as He looks for His completed reflection of Him in our lives. Like Father like son. Think about it. And be good, just as you were created to be!

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