This is a follow up on last Saturday’s post – Sex – more than one thing, more than one need. As I expected, I received some negative feedback on my suggestion that a woman can resolve the marital gridlock that comes from husband and wife having different sexual focus. My solution is for the wife to give her husband what he wants (followed, please note, by suggesting no guy tell his wife this).
Yes, I know how that sounds. My reason for suggesting this is that it’s easier for a woman to “just have sex” when she is not feeling it than for a man to have deeply intimate and loving sex when he is not feeling it. In fact, it’s impossible for a man (or a woman for that matter) to have intimate and loving sex when he’s not feeling it. Any attempt to do that would be lying, which is not going to help anyone. To be blunt, if he wants the physical and she wants the emotional, she can meet his need without faking it, but he can’t meet her need unless he fakes it.
If that was the end of it, she gives him what he wants and she gets nothing in return, it would be a rather sad situation and not a solution worth mentioning. Fortunately, that’s not the end of it. Last week I said that when a man’s Physiological sex need is not being taken care of, that leaves him unaware of, or unable to feel, his need for sexual intimacy. That does not mean he does not have a need for intimate, loving sex – it means he can’t feel that need when he is “hard up”. It’s not that it’s not there, rather he can’t feel it because of the overwhelming push of his Physiological drive. It’s like not being able to hear your cell phone ring in a noisy place – it’s ringing normally, but you can’t hear it. Reduce the noise, and you can hear the phone just fine. Dealing with a man’s Physiological sexual needs is like reducing the noise, allowing him to become aware of his emotional need for sexual intimacy.
My bride and I have heard from plenty of men and women who have experienced this – she makes a real effort to meet his physical need, and after a few weeks or months, he starts to feel the need for sex to be more than just physical – he starts to want sex to be intimate. Once he experiences that need, he is driven to fulfil it, just as he had been driven to fulfil the physical need. At that point, he starts to seek what his bride has been longing for, and that is a very good thing for both of them.
All of that is great, but again, I am primarily speaking to men here. Due to past injuries and a natural desire to protect one’s self, many women cannot hear or apply this message. So what is a guy to do? My suggestion is to realise the phone is ringing, even if you can’t hear it. Just because you don’t feel the need for sex to be intimate and loving, does not mean the need is not there. Ask you bride to describe what she feels and longs for, and accept on faith that below your need for release you feel something similar. If you were not “desperately horny” you would want more than just any sex you could get. If you were physically satisfied, a diet of quickies, or sex just for release, could not satisfy you. If you were not feeling to desperately “hungry” you would desire sex to be intimate, romantic, and you would feel connected by sex. Try to feel the edge of that. Imagine how you might feel if you really were “getting enough”.