How do you get her to see your reality?

May 14, 2010

in Communication, Series, Understanding Her

If expectations are based on our point of view, on our reality, how do we get our brides to see, understand and hopefully agree with our reality, and the expectations born of that reality?

It’s a daunting task, and one that will take time and persistence. Our realities are built bit by bit over our lifetimes. You can’t expect someone with a totally different reality to understand yours as if she lives in it. Your reality is so different from her reality that you probably lack the common vocabulary needed to even attempt to explain it. Imagine that you are from a difference universe, with different laws of physics. In your universe hot and cold are about how soft something is, and colours are thing one hears. To discuss your universe, one of you has to learn to translate. You have to learn to hear what she means, not what her words mean to you. She has to learn to see what your words bring to your mind, rather than what they bring to her mind.

Next, realise that translating is hard work, and when we are tired or stressed, we find it far more difficult to translate, and we are likely to slip back into our “mother tongue”. This means you can’t expect to show her a new chunk of your reality when she is tried, stressed, or upset. On the other hand, if you have laid the groundwork well, you may be able to expand on something on which she already has a grasp.

Working at understanding her reality will help both of you, and it should encourage her to do the same with you. In time, she should at least understand the “why” behind your expectations, and should find some of your expectations to be more valid than she has thought.

1 comments
Brian
Brian

Word pictures that describe your experience and feelings are powerful tools in this process. Just like the one you used to say you are from a different universe.

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