Let her handle it

May 22, 2010

in Sexuality, Understanding Her

Let me start with a disclaimer – I think intercourse is great, and I think God intended married folks to do that often. I also think it’s a problem when any other sex act starts to get in the way of regular intercourse. I’ve been gathering data for a post on that subject at some time in the future.

That said, today’s topic is the lowly hand job. I say lowly because for most guy’s it’s at the bottom of the list when it comes to sex with their bride. I want to argue that for some guys, guys who are not getting their needs met, hand jobs are the next best thing, and a very realistic alternative – or, hopefully, a short term fix while she or the two of you deal with issues that keep you from having the sex you really want.

A few thoughts:

  • Intercourse is costly for most women. It takes more physical energy than you would think “just lying there” would. If she wears anything to bed (that’s another post) she has to undress, then redress. She has the mess to deal with, and for most women intercourse means a trip to the bathroom afterwards.
  • Beyond the physical, for many women intercourse is deeply costly emotionally and/or mentally. No, it shouldn’t be, but it is – pretending it’s not won’t change it, and just makes you seem insensitive.
  • For many guys oral sex is the second choice (and for a few it’s the first choice, but that also is another post). For some women oral is easier than intercourse, for many (most?) it’s even more difficult mentally and/or emotionally. Again, if this is her reality, saying it should not be her reality is not helpful and is, frankly, rude.
  • For most women, manual sex on hubby is the easiest possibility. Many who resist are just unsure of how to do it, and that is easily fixed with some instruction or a demonstration.
  • It’s release, and that’s a good thing.
  • It involves her, and that’s also a good thing.
  • It will arouse her. She may not be aware of it, but the sight and action will arouse her body, and to some degree her mind. That too is a good thing!
  • It need not be boring. If she is willing to put a bit of effort into it, she can learn to make it very, very good.
  • If she does this for you, she will be less concerned that your into porn, or tempted to cheat. You also give her a chance to feel better (or less bad) about sex, as she is doing something for you.
  • If you have a problem with sexual temptation, having her give you something, anything, is a help.

Q. When should her doing some hand jobs be an option?
A. I’d say it’s a good choice any time she is unable or unwilling to have intercourse as regularly as you would like.

Q. Is there a down side?
A. It’s possible she will take this as an out and not deal with her sexual issues. I think you can deal with that in most cases by being clear that it’s great she will do this for you, but it’s not your first choice.

Q. How do you suggest this?
A.
This will vary from couple to couple. If she’s done it in the past, you might suggest it when she had declined to have intercourse. If this would be something new, suggest it at a non-sexual time, or bring it up after sex. Whenever you bring it up, I would suggest you show it as a win/win – less cost to her, some help to you. Letting her know you realise sex is sometimes difficult for her is a good thing, and it should make her more understanding of your needs.

Finally, my bride’s tip for today is a gentle but firm discussion of why men have a problem when sex is infrequent. The tip does not mention manual sex, but for some of you manual is a halfway meeting place – possibly the only option she can accept at the moment.

1 comments
Eleutheros
Eleutheros

"It will arouse her. She may not be aware of it, but the sight and action will arouse her body, and to some degree her mind. That too is a good thing!" Yes it is! I, too, have perceived that there is a different and unique emotional response when we engage Sex that culminates in climax through intercourse, than what I feel from any of the other ways we engage Sex that leads to my climax. My own emotional reaction from climax during intercourse is truly more 'spiritually' intense. And thus I feel especially intimate and joyful with her in the afterglow. However the actual physical pleasure from release during intercourse is not as intense, for me, as it is when I climax from oral sex, mutual self-pleasuring or even from the "lowly" hand-job. We both find that the visuals are quite stunning! And this, I think, contributes to the fun we have when engaging Sex through these other things. I suspect that this is a truth with most men, as well as with women who perceive. And that this is the reason why men would desire oral-sex to be chosen, from among all the many gifts of Eros, to be given to them by their wife. And isn't that what all of these other things really are, no matter who does whom? Gifts? And so, I experience, very powerfully, because of the intensity of the physical pleasure, the good emotions associated with 'gift giving'- intimate emotions of gratitude and honor, along with, what is for me, a very erotic feeling of privilege. It is a grand thing, indeed, to be married to a generous and loving human, eh? Just like we were created to be!

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