Trying new things in bed.

May 29, 2010

in Sexuality

So you want to expand your sexual repertoire a bit? But how do you get your less adventuresome bride to stretch a bit? I suggest: Clarify up front. Go slow and easy, try a very few things, then discuss. Wait, discuss again, be willing to let go. Try something else new.

  • Clarify up front: If you come across as “Our sex life is the pits, we need to spice it up” don’t expect her to be with you. In fact, don’t expect sex at all for a while. A much better approach is “I enjoy what we do, and I think we could both enjoy it even more.”
  • Go slow and easy: Try to contain you excitement – if you move to fast, she may react by pulling back. Also, be aware that it’s easy for her to get caught up in the passion of the moment and wonder later if she went too far or be concerned that she lost control. It’s much better for her to feel “I could have done more” than “Why did I do that?” Be aware and keep things from going too far too fast – trust me, it’s the wise thing to do.
  • Try a very few things: A few as in one or two. Give your bride first choice, and offer a few to pick from if she can’t offer any suggestions. I there is something you have just been dying to do, I suggest you DO NOT even suggest it yet.
  • Discuss: Unless you know better, hold the discussion till she has had time to process internally. Then gently ask her how it was, what she liked, what she didn’t, and how she thinks it could be better. Be honest with her about how it was for you, but try not to knock her down with enthusiasm. You don’t want her to feel that something she is unsure of is now the top of your list – give her enough wiggle room to find both her comfort zone and what pushes her buttons.
  • Wait: Yeah, this is the tough one, especially if she seemed to enjoy whatever you did. If she suggests a repeat one of the next times you have sex that’s great – if not, don’t push it.
  • Discuss again: Say something like “You know when we did _____ a couple of weeks ago? Would you be willing to do that again?” Odds are it’s best to bring it up some time other than when you are about to have sex. After sex may be a very good time.
  • Be willing to let go: No matter how awesome it was, hold it loosely. If she is not clearly enthusiastic, hold back. If she seems ambiguous, go easy and don’t press. If she expresses any concern or displeasure, let her know you only want to do things that she finds acceptable. If she feels any pressure to repeat something, then she has a very good reason to never try anything new again.  Hear me on this, you can blow it here – if trying new things means she may have trouble with you over those things in the future, then she will rightly think she is better off not doing new things at all. Also, be aware that letting something go now does not mean it’s off the table for the rest of your life. Revisit things a year later, especially if she had receives other new things positively.
  • Try something else new: Pick another new thing and try it. Repeat the steps above. Over time you may be able to speed the process up, or even cut out steps.

Looking for some ideas of things to try? I’ll be doing a week or more of suggestions sometime during June.

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