What do you mean I should know why you don’t want to have sex?

June 5, 2010

in Sexuality

Several of my recent posts have had something not so obvious in common. These tips pointed out behaviour that harms a woman mentally, emotionally, and/or relationally – and that means they can cause a woman to not want, or to not be able to enjoy, having sex.

Most guys can have sex regardless of what it going on in their lives, or their relationship with their bride. Due to a strong physical drive, and being less relationally based, it’s not that difficult for most men to have sex with someone they are frustrated with, angry at, struggling with, or otherwise at odds with. In fact, most men are able (not willing, able) to have sex with a total stranger – no emotions needed. We can engage in sex as a purely physical act.

Most gals can’t enjoy sex as purely physical act (the exceptions are very rare on this one). Relational issues get in the way of women wanting sex. If they go ahead and have sex anyway, they will have difficulty getting fully aroused, may be unable to climax, or will have only a very weak climax. Even if she does climax, it’s unlikely she will be glad she had sex, and it’s very possible she will feel more hurt and less loved after sex than she did before.

The take away point here is that all of our actions with and towards our bride have sexual consequences – often long-term consequences. This is not because women are petty, nor is it because they hold a grudge, nor because they are trying to punish us. Please hear me – this is how God made them, they are deeply relational and that means sex is only desired and only enjoyed within a strong, positive, connected relationship. She may push past things for a time, but it will catch up with her, and that will greatly harm her sexually.

Am I saying you should think, “how will this affect our sex life” before doing or saying anything? Maybe a better way to phrase it is that it’s neither loving nor intelligent to do things that will harm your sex life. The harm those things cause is an indication that those things are hurting your bride, and hurting her is not a good thing.



Several of my recent posts have had something not so obvious in common. These tips pointed out behaviour that harms a woman mentally, emotionally, and/or relationally – and that means they can cause a woman to not want, or to not be able to enjoy, having sex.

Most guys can have sex regardless of what it going on in their lives, or their relationship with their bride. Due to a strong physical drive, and being less relationally based, it’s not that difficult for most men to have sex with someone they are frustrated with, angry at, struggling with, or otherwise at odds with. In fact, most men are able (not willing, able) to have sex with a total stranger – no emotions needed. We can engage in sex as a purely physical act.

Most gals can’t enjoy sex as purely physical act (the exceptions are very rare on this one). Relational issues get in the way of women wanting sex. If they go ahead and have sex anyway, they will have difficulty getting fully aroused, may be unable to climax, or will have only a very weak climax. Even if she does climax, it’s unlikely she will be glad she had sex, and it’s very possible she will feel more hurt and less loved after sex than she did before.

The take away point here is that all of our actions with and towards our bride have sexual consequences – often long-term consequences. This is not because women are petty, nor is it because they hold a grudge, nor because they are trying to punish us. Please hear me – this is how God made them, they are deeply relational and that means sex is only desired and only enjoyed within a strong, positive, connected relationship. She may push past things for a time, but it will catch up with her, and that will greatly harm her sexually.

Am I saying you should think, “how will this affect our sex life” before doing or saying anything? Maybe a better way to phrase it is that it’s neither loving nor intelligent to do things that will harm your sex life. The harm those things cause is an indication that those things are hurting your bride, and hurting her is not a good thing.



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