Permission Granted to Enjoy Sex With your Spouse!

June 20, 2010

in Links to good stuff, Series, Sexuality

This final post in the week plus of sex tips won’t be about positions or techniques. Instead, I want to talk about being “sex positive”.

The term sex positive has been around a long time, and has gotten a lot of use the last few years.  WikipediA defines the sex positive movement as “promoting open sexuality with few limits.”  Indeed, it seems most who use the term are all about anyone having any kind of sex with any willing individual – or individuals. It seems some think you are only sex positive is you are for anyone having any kind of sex with anyone. To me this is not sex positive, but rather sex destructive. The reality is sex affects us in deeper ways than just a moment of pleasure. So called “free love” is actually not love, and is more likely to lead to bondage than freedom. I know plenty of folks who will argue that – and they are welcome to their opinion.  However, after 13 years of hearing of the pain and suffering causes by unrestrained sex outside of marriage, I find that being sex positive requires me to warn about the things that poison sex lives.

That said, I am very sex positive, within marriage. What’s more, I see the Bible as being very sex positive – again, within marriage.  The Jews of old has a listing of how often a man must have sex with his wife, based on his job (which determined how often he was home). The bottom line is that he was expected to have sex every day that it was home and not forbidden because of her menstruation. Even more amazing is that while a women was not allowed to divorce, she could go to court and have her husband forced to divorce her if he was not having sex with her. Neither of these is biblical, but they were based on the Jews understanding of the importance of sex: an understanding that came from the Scriptures. Underlying these rules were things such as the Old Testament law that lists sex, along with food and clothing, as the three things a man must provide for his wife.

The interesting thing about the above is that the Jews did not make rules to ensure women had sex with their husbands – rather to ensure the men were having sex with their wives! Given the extreme power men had over women at that time (not saying it was right, just relating the reality), you would expect rules commanding women to have sex. Based on those things, it seems to me that women were ready and willing (in marriage) while at least some men were not “doing their duty”/ (And if you believe women want sex, you don’t want unsatisfied wives running around.) My guess is that the “restrictive” environment back then protected women from the kind of sexual injury (physical, mental and cultural) that women deal with today. Because their sexuality was not aroused until they married, they quickly developed a healthy sexuality – meaning they were very horny for their husband, and eager to discover all the ways they could enjoy their bodies together.

In other words, I think God designed women to have a sexual hunger that rivals that of men. It’s different, but it’s very strong, and when a woman is free to enter into that, her husband is going to be very busy, and very satisfied.

How do you get from here to there? In large part I think it’s about her feeling she has permission to want and enjoy sex. There’s a lot against her doing this – her guilt over things she has done wrong, her pain over those things, and pain over things done to her, her fear that she can never satisfy you, her fear that you will seek sex someplace else (including porn and your own hand), the shame she was given over sex growing up, and the deeply unbiblical teachings about sex that so many “Christians” have pushed on her.  I encourage you to see your bride’s sexual issues as something contrary to what God intended, and something that is not her fault. Too often, we husbands are blaming the victim, which only makes it worse. I understand the deep frustration you feel (been there, done that, shook my fist at heaven) but any anger at her is misplaced and only adding to her problems.

If your bride struggles with sex, you might find some help in a series I did last winter – How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?


Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Father’s Day, Anniversary Gifts for Men & What to AVOID Giving Your Husband : Lori @ Marriage Gems has a great follow up to her post on what not to buy your wife. Too late for Father’s Day now, but pass it on for future gift giving occasions.
Preserving the Spark in Your Marriage: Longevity Takes Work: Marriage Gems also had this great guest post this week.
Need a Quick Stress Reducer? Plant a Juicy Kiss on Your Mate : A good idea, and the kind of research information I have come to expect and appropriate from Marriage Gems.

How To Create More Intimacy In Your Marriage : Simple Marriage has a very good post which discusses some of the destructive expectations we take into marriage, and how Self disclosure can make a marriage more intimate.
Top Ten Summer Survival Tips For Moms: Also on Simple Marriage, a guest post by The Confident Mom . If your wife is taking cared of kids this summer, PLEASE read this, pass it on to her, and do what you can to help her out.

Love is….not resentful : “Sore spots are areas where we are choosing to be resentful.” Once again The Romantic Vineyard series on “
Love is” takes no prisoners!
Summer Sizzlin’ Date Ideas: The Romantic Vineyard also has some fun summer ideas – especially the first one! ;-)

Three Minutes Thirty Seconds to Improve Your Marriage : The Marry Blogger has a great list of quick ways to love and bless your bride
Stop Comparing your Marriage to Others
: Stu has some solid advice in this The Marry Blogger post
Correction – last week I attributed The Marry Blogger “I Think the Proverbs 31  Wife Liked Being On Top.” to Stu, but it was actually a guest post by Julie of Intimacy in Marriage

Over at Journey to Surrender, Scott has some excellent posts about headship and submission.
What If… (Intro)
What If…My Spouse Doesn’t Give In Return?
What if… My Husband Won’t Lead?

What EVERY Human Needs : Happily Married After has a great list of things we need. How are you doing with your bride on this list?

Sex and the Soul of a Woman : Intimacy in Marriage‘s Julie talks about a book that sounds like a must read for a lot of women. My bride has read half of it, and agrees it’s good – especially for women with promiscuity in their past.

Were We Designed to be Mastered? : Donald Miller has a very thought provoking post on the meaning of Romans 6.

First Comes Love, Then Marriage, Then the Mother In Law! : Did you know not all in-laws are evil? Engaged Marriage talks a bit about this, and tell you how to Nominate Your Mother in Law as Mother in Law of the Month!

Bread-Baking and the Art of Sucking : “I want to be good at things, but I often forget that being good at things usually takes a period of being sucky at them first. Or even just mediocre.” [Kathleen Quiring, Project M] Very wise advice that applies to things like marriage and our sex lives.

2 comments
KT
KT

I think this was a good post, but I don't think that women are better off if they're sexuality is not "aroused" until marriage! I matured at a very young age, so my sexuality was aroused at a time when most girls are still playing with dolls. I think this worked to my advantage because it happened before any negativity towards sex entered the picture. It all happened quite naturally and even as a young girl I knew I wanted sex and was already looking forward to marriage for this very reason! I've never dealt with struggles that other women have, but of course I had great parents who never made a big deal out of it and never made me feel that my sexuality was something to be ashamed of.

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

First off, I want to wish a happy Father's Day to all you men who have enjoyed engaging Sex and creating those fresh, new humans that made you into a father! Congragulations! You are, now, that much closer to understanding the heart of your God. :) May you seek Jehovah for the wisdom and understanding you need to be a good father, just as you were created to be. ~~ My own precious one had some trust issues, caused by her adulterous first husband, that took the first several years of our marriage to overcome. I knew, before I married her, that I would have to work to gain her trust, even though I also knew that her trust was already given. So, I searched for things to do and say that would bolster her confidence in me. But the things that worked best weren't gifts or other similar tokens, but talking to her, often, about the deep things in my own heart and sharing my thoughts with her while listening to her when she was telling me of the things in her heart. As well as being sympathetic to her difficulties and apologizing quickly when I did 'wrong' while being just as quick to forgive when I was 'wronged'. Another thing that I did was to follow her lead and begin complimenting her, often, on the good I saw in her while insisting that she receive my compliments with gratitude instead of that stupid false humility caused by religious teaching that says being good is impossible for us human beings. With all that, though, the most important thing I did, I found out later, was to stand courageously when facing the heart-difficulties associated with our promise to be honest with each other. You know, the kind of honesty that puts either in an uncomfortable position, because of truth, and can lead to an emotionally charged encounter. The kind of honesty to many avoid because of fear. Those times, above all else, showed her that I could be trusted with her heart. And so she began to trust in the fact that I really was going to be with her for the rest of our natural lives and that we were going to grow old together. Once she gained that trust in me, that was when our sex-life really began to be intimate. And through that intimacy, we found that erotic permission we both needed to be able to express our sexuality to the other with the other being a willing and participatory partner. There is a lot to be said, good, for good, married sex, the kind of sex we were created to enjoy! :)

Previous post:

Next post: