We never go anywhere!

July 9, 2010

in 1 + 1 = 1, Marriage Killer, Understanding Her

On Sunday I linked to Oh No, I Married an Extrovert!, a great article by Lori Lowe talking about the differences between introverts and extroverts. As with most articles I have seen about this, it was written by an introvert. So being an extrovert, I thought I’d toss in my thoughts to try and give an even better understanding.

My son and my bride are both introverts. Either of them would be fine with going out to eat alone, or even going to a movie alone. Me? I would see both of those as torture! My son went to a fireworks show all alone – didn’t feel a need to be with someone, and didn’t look for folks he knew there. If I went alone (which is unlikely) I’d have made several new friends while I was there.

An extrovert needs contact with others. Not wants or likes, but needs. Without this, an extrovert is incomplete, bored, unhappy, or downright miserable. As Lori said, we can’t change our brain’s biology – this is how we are. No matter how much we understand our introverted spouse, and no matter how much we work to give them what they need, we still need interaction with others. Lori said “Resist the urge to separate your lives too much; we need to be involved in one another’s interests and friends—to be attentive, caring and interested” This is very important. If the introvert is not a part of the circle of friends the extrovert needs, there is a division – a division that could cause problems or temptations. The introvert does not have to be at every gathering the extrovert attends, and does not need to stay the entire time the extrovert stays, but some degree of contact and time together is vital.

If your bride is an extrovert, please don’t expect her to sit home quietly with you day after night after day. Please also don’t leave her to develop a social life completely apart from you. You are both going to have to give a bit, but you can make it work. What’s more, you will both be better people for it.

2 comments
John Delcamp
John Delcamp

Both my wife and I are introverts which can make it very easy for us to slide off into our own little worlds and do I own thing which can be a long term danger for the relationship. The insteresting part is that we are both in full-time ministry which requires us to be outgoing much of the day. What we have found is that in the areas of our lives where we are weak (being outgoing) then God is strong (He empowers us to do what He has called us to do). What that has shown to us, is that when couples are mixed - introvert and extrovert, they can be involved in each others lives and social activities, whether it is goinf out or staying home, because when where we are weak, God will make us strong. Let me just say, it is not always easy but it is always a decision we have to make, a decision to love our spouse enought to step out of our comfort zone to a place where God is able to move through us to help us be and do what does nto come natural for us.

DC3
DC3

Good post; I completely agree... My wife is the extrovert, and I'm the introvert; we both help each other grow immensely. More than just those two traits, her sanguine temperament and my melancholy one contrast in many other ways that we help each other learn from. Rather than struggling against our differences, we strive to learn about one another and celebrate them.

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