Ever give your wife indirect hints, hoping she will so, or not do, something because of what you say – without having to actually express your concern, desire, fear or whatever? I’ve come to the conclusion that hint are for puzzles, and marriage is not should not be a puzzle.
Examples what’s said versus what is meant:
- “I should probably do the lawn/laundry/trash/dishes.” = “I will do it if you don’t, but I really wish you would do it.”
- “Are you tried?” = “I’m bored, can we leave already?”
- “When did we last have sex?” = “YO! I’m way horny over here!”
- “If it really matters to you …” = “I think you’re being selfish, but I’ll do it, and grumble about it all the while, if you don’t back down.”
- “Getting to be the kids bed time.” = “I wish you would put the kids to bed.”
- “Joe told me that he and his wife …” = “You’d be so much better if you were like that.”
- “Look how late it’s getting.” = “We should go home before you are too tried for sex.”
There are many problems with hints:
- She may miss the hint.
- She may know you are hinting at something, but not know what.
- A hint makes it easy for her to ignore what you want, even if she gets it. It’s like telling her you are not going to ask for real, so if she does not want to do it or discuss it she should just ignore the hint.
- If she does not do what you want, you don’t know if she missed the hint or choose to ignore what you wanted.
- We tend to assume the other person got the hint, and just is not willing – which makes for hard feelings.
- She may see your unwillingness to just say what you think, feel or want as unmanly, and that’s not a good thing.
If you engage in hinting, ask yourself why. Do you hint about things you don’t think you deserve, but put them out there because you might get lucky occasionally? Do you hint to avoid direct confrontation? Do you hint as a way of nagging her about things you know she won’t do? Regardless of why you do it, realise it’s not good communication, and not helpful to your marriage.