Arguments – Fight nice

July 26, 2010

in Communication, Series

I don’t write enough about dealing with argument – my “Fight_nice” tag has only been used once. So I’m doing a short series on that this week.

One of the funniest pieces of advice I ever heard about marital fights is that they should all be done with husband and wife both fully nude. I’m thinking that would put the fellow at a disadvantage, no? On the other hand, I have seen advice to hold hands while arguing. I suspect many folks would find that very difficult, but it would tend to diffuse things.

Disagreements are going to happen in marriage – every marriage. It’s not the disagreements that matter, it’s how you handle them. Studies have found the WORST option is to ignore them, bury them, or hide from them. Any non-violent attempt to express and  work through a disagreement is better for the long term health of the marriage than ignoring the problems. Even couples who yell and scream are better off than those that just keep it in. That does not mean I am suggesting yelling! I’m suggesting that you “fight nice”.

Fight nice means you deal with the issues without trying to hurt each other. It’s not a “win” if you hurt your bride – or if you walk away hurt. Insults and belittling are not part of fighting nice. Phrases like “You always …” or “You never…” have no place in a nice fight – no matter how true they may feel at the time.

5 comments
Ronald
Ronald

James 4:1-3 (NASB) James 4 Things to Avoid [4:1] What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? [2] You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. [3] You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. James 4

sasha@stakethisclaim
sasha@stakethisclaim

I am so glad I came across this article! My Beloved and I figured this out during one of the first major arguments we ever had, that if we have a fight it has to be in a situation where, not only are we exposed and vulnerable but we are also reminded of how much the other person loves us. It's hard to yell at someone when you've got your arms wrapped around them and can feel their heartbeat against your chest, you know? You spend a lot more time trying to figure out how to come to a resolution or an agreement than you do trying to outshout them and get what you want this way.

Jason
Jason

I'm glad you mentioned to avoid "never" & "always." That was advice from our pre-marital counseling. The first thing the other person wants to do after one of those type of statements is prove their spouse wrong by giving an example to the contrary.

Temple
Temple

"I’m thinking that would put the fellow at a disadvantage, no?" No! Not in my marriage, LOL. I can't think straight if he's naked!

Ronald
Ronald

I see stuff about "fighting" with your wife all the time. The bible says that we are to love our wives like Christ loved the church - Sacroficing himself for her. We were nit told to follow Jesus example of turning the temple, but we should live a life of sacrifice to our wife. So what do we fight about? Do the wives want to bring the children up as pagans? Most fights are over not getting what you want, and you are supposed to live sacrificially with your wife, so why would a husband ever fight with his wife anyway? If he knows the thing she wants is not what he wants, it's an opportunity to live sacroficaly, not a time to fight.

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