Come back when I’m not stressed

August 3, 2010

in Acts of Service, Communication, Understanding Her

How do you deal with stress? More importantly, how do you deal with your bride when you are stressed?

It is probably normal for many to “shut down” a bit when we are stressed; however, the “normal” response is often not good for our marriage. Ignoring her, finding ways to not be around her much, or simply refusing to talk to her are all harmful to her and to your relationship.

I confess I don’t internally understand shutting down, as I do the opposite (talking till she wishes I would shut up!). My comprehension, based on what others have told me, is that the shutting down is not about others, but about trying to not think about the stressful things. If your bride wants to talk about the stressful things, then being with her means having to deal with something you are trying to avoid. If the stressful things in your life affect your bride, then being with her makes you think of the stressful things because of this.

Think of it from her side for a moment. Being cut out of your life is always painful for her. If she does not understand why you are ignoring her, she will wonder if she has offended you, or if you are mad at her. Even if she understands why, the lack of contact and communication is hurtful to her. Beyond this, the need to communicate will likely increase in times of stress. That means your way of dealing with stress places more stress on your bride. Additionally, your lack of communication means she is left guessing at what is going on, and at how bad it is. Her imagination can run wild, causing her far more fear than the truth ever could.

Bottom line – if stress causes you to withdraw from your bride, that’s a problem. Find a way to deal with stress that does not cut your bride out, or work with her to find a way that the two of you can deal with stressful times in a way that is not harmful to either of you. If you can’t do it alone, but some trained third party help.

4 comments
Jayme
Jayme

you totally did not understand what i was saying to you. I just don't know what else to say. My husband actually gets on his knees before God and prays for me. He shows me unconditional love. I just want other men to do the same for their Brides. TAKE IT TO THE LORD.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Jayme - Sorry, I misread your advice as what you wished would happen in your marriage. Thanks for the correction!

Jayme
Jayme

Personally for me (a bride) I "shut down" due to emotional pain that turns into physical pain (head ache and body aches like the flu. I can't think strait, I call it brain fog. I think many women go through this. and unfortunately, they are" blamed" as if it's a personal choice to "shut down" that they must have some ability to stop. Sorry, ....it's not her fault. but it is a problem. The solution I have found, is to question whether the "issue" is really an issue, or is it just my grouchy husband complaining griping and venting, needlessly worrying brides about things and they can't suggest a good solution (always turned down or told they are are unhelpful) so you just sit there for hours listening to everything you can't do anything about? The brides can only take so much, we break, we get crushed under the weight of all your Complaints, questions with no answer and concerns...Our emotions go berserk....we can't control that...sorry...If the first mate of the ship is constantly being told the ship is in danger...and could be going down....maybe the best thing for the Captains of the Ship to do is let the first mate know what she can do to help...then most everything else honorable Leader and Captains.. please take.to the Lord?

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Jayme - I hear what you are saying, and I'm very sorry for your situation. I've spoken before about men who shoot down every suggestion their bride gives - often before she even finishes the thought. The other part of this is a woman's need to fully express her thoughts and feelings on things. The man who does not allow and follow such a discussion is hurting his bride and his marraige. (That is the thought behind my tip for next Thursday).

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