qaparHa’

August 26, 2010

in Links to good stuff, Understanding Her

Does that title mean anything to you? Someone will no doubt post it in the comments, or you could Google it, but unless you are serious Trekkie, it means nothing to you, and I’m wasting my time saying it.

Thing is, most of us do this to our brides, and many of us have been doing it for years. We say or do things designed to communicate our love, but unless she speaks the same love language, she has no clue what we are saying. If she is not an acts of service gal, you will never convince her you love her by doing things for her. If she is not a gifts person, gifts will never make her feel loved  I could be showing my love a dozen times a day, while she is wondering why I never show her any love.

Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages [affiliate link] covers this topic very, very well – discussing the five primary ways we feel love, how to figure out your bride’s love language(s) and how to speak love in a way she can hear.

As a starting place, try an on-line Love Languages Test , Take the test yourself, and have your bride do it.. Learn how she feels love, then figure out how to do that – no matter how difficult and unnatural it may seem at first.

By the way, you can use the category tags on my posts to find tips that address each love language:

5 comments
Take Two
Take Two

I get the whole "Love Languages" but I really disagree with this theory on many fronts. It's interesting to studay and I believe there is some benefit here, but I have never heard of any real data backing it up. First why is the opus completely on the Love giver (which almost always is the man, more on this later). Why can't someone learn to appreciate Love in other forms. I know I have my preferences, but I can accept any form and appreciate it. Men are used to getting scraps and making our lives out of them. I think this is kind of like eating: there are foods I like more than others, but I can accept them all. The only reason the food doesn't nourish me is I don't accept it (and eat it). Works the same with Love. Second, the book is almost certainly written for women and then applied to men. I've never heard hint of a man saying his correct love languange isn't being satisfied or any other saying communicates this thought in English. We certainly have the ability to actually see when we are loved and not just live with blinders showing us what we want to see. Third, you are setting marriages up for endless abuses. Now any person can now say they are unloved and they got a book to back them up (with Christian backing, no less). Most men I know work themselves silly providing for their family to show their love. Does this even show up on the radar? These men need encouragement and in all honesty a little break. While it is true they can probably improve in these areas, they shouldn't be condemned for their wife's innability to adapt. I really think that we need to be a bit more discerning about these types of books with "5 easy steps". In the end, it's hard to know if this concept is causing more harm than good.

Dave Marks
Dave Marks

For all you non-Trekkies it is Klingon for "I like you"

Eric - BHF
Eric - BHF

Love that book! ...For years I was trying to show love with Physical Touch and Act of Service (my languages). Who would have thought my Gifts and Quality Time wife wasn't getting the message! .-= Eric - BHF´s last blog ..Baby 2 Update! =-.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Take Two - I suspect more than a few men agree with you. Making a note to address some of this in the future.

JM
JM

I think the love languages is certainly valid. I know it makes a difference for my wife. I believe the reason you never hear a man complaining his wife "doesn't speak his love language" is that it's less of a deal for men. Look at the command: "Husbands love your wives...Wives respect your husbands" I believe Men need respect more than they need love. That's not to say men don't need love and women don't need respect - just that their priorities are reversed for the two genders. See the book "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. I seriously *hated* this book when I first started reading it. But I determined I would finish it anyway, and I'm very glad I did. This book makes total sense to me, but some of the concepts may not necessarily be easy to accept at first. (Love & Respect link: http://amzn.com/1591451876)

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