Porn – click, click, click …

August 28, 2010

in Marriage Killer, Sexuality

Here are a few bits of the key findings of THE EFFECTS OF PORNOGRAPHY ON INDIVIDUALS, MARRIAGE, FAMILY AND COMMUNITY:

  • Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their conjugal relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are upset by the difference.
  • Among couples affected by one spouse’s addiction, two-thirds experience a loss of interest in sexual intercourse.
  • Men who view pornography regularly have a higher tolerance for abnormal sexuality …
  • Prolonged consumption of pornography by men produces stronger notions of women as commodities or as “sex objects.”

In short, porn use tends to move a man (or woman) away from sex with their spouse, and when sex with their spouse does occur, they are less satisfied.

Seems to me that a man can use porn or develop a good sex life with his bride – but he can’t do both. I know some of you think, “She’s not putting out enough” or “She will never give me what I really want” and use that to justify using porn. Just realise that the porn use is destroying your chance of ever having an enjoyable sex life with your bride. I understand the temptation to “take what you can get” now, but it’s cheating both of you deeply.

Is there a chance your bride will ever become the sexually hungry woman you would like her to be? In reality there is. It’s true that some women will never change, but I’ve heard a number of stories of women who went from “Not this month” to “Every day of the week and twice on Sunday”. Somewhere between the late 30’s to the early 50’s a significant minority of women have a “sexual awakening”. The reasons for this include hormonal changes, less time and energy used raising children, greater self-confidence, and better body image. However, there are also things that will limit or prevent a sexual awakening; things such as relationship issues and sexual problems – including porn use. I can’t say that there has never been a wife of a porn user who had sexual awakening, but I can tell you that in the cases of sexual awakening we have heard about, porn use by the husband was insignificant to non-existent. I wonder how many women miss a sexual awakening because their husband has left them in a place where such an awakening is not possible?

Bottom Line: Porn use is playing Russian Roulette with your current and future sex life. Are you feeling lucky?

10 comments
thomas245
thomas245

But can there be a balance between marital sex and porn use? Before we got married, my wife and I had a very active and fulfilling sex life. Soon before we got married and ever since, my wife's interest in sex has deteriorated while my interest has remained consistently high (in comparison.) Porn in many regards has filled the gap. I will admit it's not as fulfilling, but I have found that a small meal a couple of time a week is better than a big meal once every few months.

Nicci
Nicci

I personally have a husband who has struggled with porn in the past. I think a past of porn doesn't necessarily mean no sexual awakening. I believe if a wife forgives as she is supposed to, that God can of course completely heal this wound. I do think it takes time. Even if the wife has a bad past too, I think a past of sexual sin makes it harder on your sexual life as Christians. I think if you have a strong relationship in all areas with one another, with God, with your children, and have made the CHOICE to forgive and move on, then a sexual awakening has a better chance of existence.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Eric - In short, no, past porn use does not mean a wife will never have an awakening. It's a very complex thing, with some of the factors having nothing to do with the husband - many of those are set in place well before marriage. I suppose you could see it as a balance scale - the more on the "negative" side, the more it takes on the positive side to tip the scales. The reality is it's far easier for a husband to add to the negative side than to the positive. His actions can pretty well guarantee no awakening, but can not guarantee there will be one. Ultimately the tipping factor is usually about the wife, her choice, her integrity, her mental.sexual health or wounding.

Eric
Eric

Does this mean past history of porn use means for a husband means no hope for an awakening for a wife? if that's the case, then heartbreaking. oh well, the consequences of sin are not trivial. might as well deal with reality. at least no need to hold out for a hope that will never come to pass.

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

No doubt, pornography is a real problem, frought with danger to the good health of our souls; danger that our conscience verifies. It is a poison, like any good sin. Factually speaking, though, for the century that followed the invention of motion pictures, porn has been primarily the domain of men. Still, though, it was never hard to find women who would act in these movies, after all women like sex, too. And now, in this century, because of the ease of access, women are not only enjoying porn, but creating it. So, since this is a relatively new thing, under the sun, for our statiticians and sociologist to study, I would ask, has anybody done research yet on the effects of women using pornography? For all I've read about here, the axiomatic assupmption has been that women don't like porn and most all women would never come near it; at least the good, Christian ones. I beleive that this is a problem that will grow greater as this computer savy generation comes of age; for I perceive that there is likely, now, no dearth of women who also use porn, right along with thier husbands and lovers. As I said, women like sex, too. Being good, and curious, just as I was created to be!

MJ
MJ

I've had problems with porn and masturbation in the past and can agree with this post. I know I have treated my wife with less love than I should and I have thought of her as a way of getting laid. It has been over 6 months where I have been seriously watching porn whenever she wasn't around. Now I don't watch it, but am very tempted whenever I get the chance and catch myself very close to viewing it many times. I have to get up and leave my computer at that point. My porn use went from viewing images only to needing to view soft porn videos to the occasional hard core porn. I just had to get more. Since I have stopped viewing it, I feel better about myself. I'm still struggling with telling my wife about this. I am not much of a person to share my feelings and know I would severely hurt her telling her, but am I missing out on deepening our marriage by not telling her. Sorry for the long rambling post. All this to just say, PORN IS AWFUL. Please avoid it!

Ellie
Ellie

As a wife of a former porn user, I think it would be really helpful for you to study the art of feeding a woman's emotional state--- I have directed my husband to several of the articles on the marriedandhappy.com blog--- it is not about being a nice guy, doing more chores around the house, etc. Your wife once loved sex, now she doesn't--- what changed was probably you. Feed her "soul" and she will respond... my two cents. But, this really helped my marriage when my husband finally realized that it is important to deal with me using knowledge, not simply his idea of what I should like.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@thomas245 - Any question of sin aside, I fear what you are doing may be perpetuating the problem - very possibly even making it worse. If you know your bride can enjoy sex, then the question is why she is not doing so now. The things you see in porn are certainly influencing you, and almost certainly influencing you in some directions that are not desirable to your bride. Porn also tends to make us more self-focused, and less patient sexually, and that does not help our brides. As to the need for a snack, when meals are scarce, why does that have to include porn? If you need the release, you don't need porn to take care of it yourself, and if you need the porn to do it, you don't need the release. Better to think of sex with your bride while you masturbate.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Eleutheros – You are right that porn has been mostly a guy thing until about 30 years ago. A trickle of female viewers then has become a flood now. The biological reality is viewing sex turns women on as much, maybe more, than it does men. This is the same as salivating at the smell of food cooking. However, we should not equate physical arousal with desire or enjoyment – a vegetarian will salivate as the smell of meat cooking, and someone deadly allergic to wheat can feel hungry when they smell bread cooking. Our bodies are designed to respond to certain things in set ways, regardless of how our minds feel about those things. I fear that some women get “tricked” – they think “It turns me on, so I must enjoy it, I must want it”. I think this helps them get past the mental block. Same thing happens to guys, especially with the harder, kinky stuff. We mistakenly see arousal as an indication we like it, or that it’s good for us. Does porn viewing hurt women? Absolutely – I’ve heard from plenty of women who feel it’s a curse they ever saw the stuff. It’s a fast way to get aroused, and the strong arousal can lead to powerful climaxes, but gradually the porn becomes necessary – rather than giving them a boost, they need it to function. About those who “star” in porn – For most of the history of motion porn, the women have been deeply wounded and about as willing as a woman who prostitutes herself because she feels she has no other choice. As to “enjoying sex” most of these women were too wounded to enjoy it, and even if they were not what happened in porn was not something a woman would enjoy. For some reason that has changed in the last decade or so, with woman turning out homemade porn in ever increasing amounts. My understanding is it’s a bit less over the top and unnatural than the stuff directed by men (I’m relying on research) but still on the edge. I would be interested to know about these women – do they tend to have sexual abuse in their past as most of the porn “actresses” of more traditional porn? Do they really enjoy sex, or is it more of an obsession. Can they have a normal, healthy relationship with one man? What will they be like in a decade or two?

bill
bill

I had not thought of it that way. Thanks for the perspective. I tend to think that while each addiction has it own path all addictive behavior begins in the same manner. I would like to see marriages strengthened and the awareness of addictive behavior increased so that it can be dealt with before it becomes destructive. After all lots of things are addictive and equally destructive.

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