Permission granted to have out of the box sex

September 11, 2010

in Series, Sexuality

First a warning – if you are struggling in your sex life, this post is not for you. Sorry.

Can sex be a lot better than most of us have ever dreamed it could be? I am convinced the answer to that is a qualified yes. The qualification is that both the man and his bride want it to be a lot better. I don;’t just mean both want and enjoy sex, I mean both are committed to working to make it great. If your bride is not really with you on this, trying to make your sex life great could actually hurt both your sex life and your marriage. Start with good, satisfying, and fulfilling. This is really the jumping off place for fantastic sex, and few women will have any desire for more than that until they have had that for a good while. Bottom line – don’t push, if she wants it you will know.

That said, the biggest limiting factor for sex is our minds. While sexual functions like desire, arousal, and even climax are automatic or reflex, the mind significantly boost or suppress these things. While our bodies certainly have limits, I think most sexual limits are more about what we think we can do or what we will allow ourselves to do rather than an actual limitation of our bodies. In short, we only experience what we give ourselves permission to experience. If we can let go of the limits, all kinds of things become possible.

I hesitate to give any examples as I don’t want to set up any kind of goals or expectations. I will say there some ordinary people out there who are having extraordinary sex, and the biggest difference between them and others has nothing to do with their bodies, techniques or skills – the difference is that they have let go of all the usual “limits” we have about sexuality. It’s not that they think they can do ABC or DEF half a dozen times, or XYZ in two minutes. Rather they think they know they can do many things that are not supposed to be possible. They know they can go beyond what they have done and known, and they are open to whatever that looks like for the two of them.

I also want to be clear I’m not talking about anything particularly wild or kinky here. The “acts” are not different than what most folks do. What is different is the depth of what they feel, or the frequency, or the speed, or the duration, or some other change.

If this is all to vague to seem useful I’m sorry. The way to find out for yourself what sex can be for you as a couple is to each give yourself and your spouse permission to enjoy sex fully and experience it in ways that “the experts” tell us are only possible for young folks in new relationships, or a few lucky individuals with some unusual ability, sensitivity, or stamina.

2 comments
Chameleon
Chameleon

This is so very true. Last year my wife and I went through some life-changing events that nearly destroyed us. After the dust settled, we became closer than ever (after 11 years of marriage). She finally realized for herself what I had been tring to help her understand for several years: that all acts between man and wife in their bed are permissible as long as both agree, neither are harmed, and no other persons are involved. We only recently discovered the website I linked to on my name, but it has some great info that I think will help other like-minded individuals. .-= Chameleon´s last blog ..Sentence Starters =-.

Eleutheros
Eleutheros

A sister friend of mine, who struggled hard to overcome sexual abuse, once asked a question of herself as she realized that she was getting past her past, "So, what is all this healing for?" Her answer was, "To have really great sex!" Welcome to phase two of your growth into being someone that you can love! I've discovered that being human is allabout sex; it even defines what kind of human we are, Male or Female. Sure, I know that you can disagree with this from whatever your theology teaches you about 'being good' and about 'being human' and that's OK. You'll still have to deal with your sexuality, wounded, healed or healthy. So, why not work just as hard to develop it's potential to create pleasure and thus unite two into One, as you may have had to work to overcome a past because of the potential sex has, because of it's pleasure, to harm our souls and sully our conscience when engaged illicitly? After all, it is a truth that marriage exists because sex exists. And good humans, the kind we were created to be, know that there is much freedom in their marriage bed.

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