Acts of non-service

September 24, 2010

in Acts of Service, Her Needs

One thing I see in couples that really bothers me (probably because I used to be guilty of it) is the passive aggressive failure to do something for one’s spouse that they can’t do. If she doesn’t have the strength to start the lawn mower, the grass only gets done when you choose to do it – no matter how bad it looks or how much it’s looking bad bothers her. If you keep the check book and she does understand your system, only you can balance the check book, no matter how much she may want or need to know the balance.

Sometimes it’s even worse, the one who can’t do the thing is getting hassled about it not being done by someone outside the marriage. Be it a relative, a neighbour, or the city coming by while you are at work and telling your wife you will be fined if the grass is not cut in 48 hours, this adds injury to insult.

Another twist on this is not giving your spouse something she needs to complete a job that is her responsibility, giving it to her way to late, or waiting until she has no time.

I realise that sometimes these things happen because we are honestly too busy. Other times we are so overwhelmed we just don’t want to face things. If this happens OCCASIONALLY, it’s no big deal, but when this happens often either you are too busy, too stressed, or you are being passive aggressive.

As to being passive aggressive, I find it to be mean, spiteful and cruel – and I say that as someone who has done it. If you are failing to do the things your bride needs you to do, you are not being loving, you are giving her good reason to resent and not trust you, and you really should not expect her to feel good about giving you anything (including sex!). Don’t say “It’s how I am” and keep going – deal with and knock it off!

2 comments
The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Bill - Glad you finally got it! As to a father, that can be a plus or a minis - plenty of men learned passive aggressive behaviour from their dad.

Bill
Bill

I too was guilty of passive-aggressive behavior and I mean in a big way. My dad died when I was 5 and there were no strong male figures in my life. Passive-aggressive behavior was how I coped. Too bad I had to reach 50 years old to begin to realize it much less change it. I really wish I had had a mentor when I first got married who could have steered me straight.

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