Self-inflicted wounds

September 27, 2010

in Reader Requested, Sexuality, Understanding Her

A comment on a recent post about sexual wounds suggested that:

  • I need to deal with “self inflicted wounds”.
  • 90% of the wounds in the list I gave were self-inflicted (by women, on themselves).
  • We need to acknowledge one’s wounds before we can deal with them.

I will address this over a few days.

I agree that some wounds are self-inflicted, and that in the area of sexuality this is especially true, but before we move past that I think those of us with our sex organs on the outside need to try and understand the situation and reality of those with their sex organs on the inside. To say it’s different is a huge understatement.

The double standard still exists today. A woman who has sex with “too many” men is looked down on almost universally, while most of society tolerates, gives a pass, or is jealous of men who have sex with many woman. We still expect all men to want sex all the time with any halfway willing women, accept this as normal, and tend to excuse bad choices and bad behaviour that comes from this. Women don’t get the same. We also tend to not accept “no” from a woman as meaning no – at least not until she says it several times, or in the “right way”.

Beyond all that, in a society where a significant percentage of single women are willing to have sex, those who won’t tend to find themselves not being asked out. One young Christian lady we know went from public school to a private Christian school when she was in high-school. She said the difference between dating public school boys and those who attended a Christian school was the second group did not expect something sexual until the second date. I don’t mean to say everyone is doing it, or that everyone doing it is an excuse – but it does put a tremendous pressure on women.

Another factor is that many girls have faces some inappropriate sexual situation by the time they hit puberty, and most of the rest will face such a situation(s) before they graduate high school. This ranges from sexual teasing to rape and everything in between. These events are far more damaging to many women than most men will ever be able to understand, and the more extreme events can leave a girl convinced she does not have the right or power to say no to sexual advances. I know this is hard to accept, but we’ve heard more than a few women say something like “I never even thought I could say no” or “I said no, he kept going, and I assumed he could not be stopped”.

If a woman has sex because she doesn’t say no enough times, or feels she will be singe her whole life is she does not give guys at least taste, are the resulting wounds self-inflicted? In the first case I would say no, in the second, I would say “partly”. In either case, a husband does not help his bride when he blames such wounds on her and suggests she needs to get over what she did to herself. She does need to face the part she played, and she does need to deal with it, but she will find this far easier to do if her husband can be somewhat understanding of why those things happened.

Bottom Line: Her sexual past is probably not as simple as you think it is. Probably some fear, coercion and/or guilt contributed to her choices. While this does not free her of responsibility, ignoring those things tends to get in the way of healing.

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