Sex – it can be MUCH better

October 16, 2010

in Good Marriage, Series, Sexuality

Yesterday I said that marriage could be much better than most of us have ever imagined. What about sex, can it also be much better than we have been told?

Yes, it can.

As with a better marriage, a vital step is to believe it’s possible. Your sex life is unlikely to ever be better than you think it can be – set low goals, and you will achieve nothing more than that low goal. Set a higher goal, convinced that it’s possible, and it may happen. Get your bride on board believing it’s possible, and LOOK OUT! No matter how poor or great you sex life is now, it can be better.

There is one other very important thing. I think what limits our sex lives more than anything, even more than porn use or sexual abuse, is a lukewarm marriage.  Our marriage in general is the foundation for our sex life. A small or weak foundation cannot support a great, large building, and a small, weak marriage cannot support an active, deeply pleasurable sex life.

Unfortunately, many (the majority?) of husbands are so deeply dissatisfied with their sex lives, and frankly are so “hard up”, that they can think of little other than sex. It’s not that they don’t care about their marriage, and it’s not that they don’t want their marriage to be better – but the constant screaming of their sex drive makes it very difficult to hear, much less focus on, anything else. I see two ways to work past this “blockage”.

Just do it. Learn to live with being horny all the time, and learn to not let it get in the way of working on your marriage. Know that in the long run the result will be far better than if you keep doing what you have been doing. Clearly, this is the choice most women would pick, and it’s the one that a guy can implement himself. The down side is it’s very frustrating, and it’s very difficult. Very few men can really pull this off (I tried and never did it as well as I would have liked) but most can make a decent effort for at least a time. In general I’d say this is the second best choice, but if the wife won’t budge…

Shut it up. Find a way to more or less satisfy your sexuality so you can work on your marriage. When I say satisfy, I’m talking about the equivalent of an “empty calorie” snack when you are extremely hungry. It makes the hunger go away for a bit, but it does not give you what you need, and it’s not a good long term solution. This is not sex for pleasure or connection; this is sex to make the hunger go away for a while. Ways of doing this are regular “quickie sex” just for him, the wife giving him manual sex often enough to keep him from feeling hard up, or masturbation (solo or with the wife in the room, based on what they both feel comfortable with.) It’s important that these be seen by both husband and wife as a stop gap measure – a short term repair until a permanent fix can be made. Set a time to do this – three to six months – and then during that time don’t discuss it – just do what you have decided to do. Get your eyes, and her eyes, off the sexual issue for a time so you can focus on the marriage.

Either of these is like pitching a tent so you can clear the foundation and do the work that’s needed on the foundation. The tent is hardly your dream house, and it gets old quickly, but it keeps the rain off and the bugs down. You live in the tent while putting your time and effort into the foundation because you know that the house you will build on the firm foundation will be worth the time you have to spend in the tent. Don’t rush the foundation work, if it’s not right, you will pay for it later. Live in that tent long enough to build a solid foundation.

5 comments
Norm
Norm

But how do you make sex better if the wife doesn't want her husband and he has given up on it? How can you improve something when neither has any desire for it? Can't you be happily married but celibate, or at least satisfactorily married? If you have to have sex to be happily married, is it really enough for both to fake it?

Scott
Scott

Excellent post! I wholeheartedly agree with your premise that you can't have better sex without a better marriage. We husbands forget that so easily because we are hormonally driven to separate the two. I just posted yesterday along a very similar line, starting off a series on intimacy by bascially saying that if you want to imrpove sexual intimacy you have to start by forgetting about sex! (the full post is here http://tinyurl.com/34dpkrd ) . And yes, I think quckie sex is a great "maintenance treatment" and that in a marriage where both see it honestly for what it is, it can help as a pressure relief for husbands and a jump starter for wives. .-= Scott´s last blog ..Intimacy - Its Not What You Think! =-.

Evan
Evan

Does this really work? My wife and I went through a similar period where neither of us was really happy, we didn't know how to communicate, and the sex pretty much stopped. It was a huge issue for me but not for her. I'm trying to imagine what kind of response "Honey, I know we've got lots of problems now, but before we talk about those, can you just take care of me real quick so I can get my mind back in the game?" would have. Steps I took that worked: 1) Tell her in no uncertain terms that there's a problem 2) Make her understand the level of severity of the problem 3) Find external information you can both digest and use as a launchpad for discussion and improvement. If your spouse is really in love with you and cares about you, the fact that it's a real issue with you should be motivation enough for them to approach the problem seriously and find a solution. I just think that stop-gap quickies make you seem like a selfish jerk.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

Norm - If neither of you care, then no, you can't change it. Can you be happy anyway? Sure. Do you have everything God wanted you to have? No. Sometimes one spouse makes something impossible, and "giving up" is sometimes the only sane response. I think some give up too soon, and some seem to keep going long after they should have given up. It's a matter of who a person is, and what they can take. I'd say it's also a matter for a lot of prayer. Years ago I considered the possibility of ending up in your situation. While it never looked to me like the most likely outcome, there was a time when it did seem like a possible outcome. I decided that if it came to that I would accept it, that I would remain married and faithful, and that I would do my very best to be the husband God wanted me to be in spite of a lack of sex. I'm glad it did not come to that, and I know a great deal would be different if it had, but I believe I could have done it.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Evan - The problem is when a number of things both sexual and non-sexual are "broken". Both need something from the other, and both feel unable to work on what their spouse needs because of their unmet needs. Most of what a woman needs has not stop-gap fix, it takes time and real change. What a man really wants sexually also takes time and real change, but there is a stop-gap that will allow him to focus on her needs for a while. Does it work? For some it does. Some will tell you it may have saved their marriage.

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