We can learn to do, and enjoy, new things

October 18, 2010

in Her Needs, Links to good stuff, Series

One of the big obstacles to couples having better marriages is one or both saying “I’m not like that” or “It’s not how God made me” as an excuse for not doing something needed by their spouse and/or their marriage. Some of the most common are:

  • I’m not a talker.
  • I’m just not a touchy person.
  • I don’t enjoy sex.
  • I hate going out.
  • I’m not romantic.

While all of these can be true about a person at any moment in time, none of these is set in stone. Any of these, and many others, are things we can learn to do – and to enjoy! Imagine if someone offered you several million dollars to learn how to do one of those well? Alternatively, what if you were told you have less than a year to live if you did not learn to do one of those things well? With the proper motivation you could and would learn how to “be” or do any number of things you “are not” or don’t do. Not only could you learn to do it, but you would probably learn to enjoy it.

Most of these things are things we are actually created to enjoy – when we don’t enjoy them it’s usually because we have not learned to do so, or have some block to enjoying it. Sex is the perfect example – women who “don’t enjoy sex” just have not experienced it as it was intended. If they could get past their blocks, they would find it very enjoyable. As difficult as it may be to believe, the same is true for snuggling, going out with your bride, talking at length, and so many other things.

Again, the primary obstetrical is belief. If you tell yourself you can’t do something, then you can’t. If you tell yourself you won’t enjoy something, you won’t. However, if you tell yourself you can do it, and can enjoy it, then you can and you will.

Finally, be aware that as with most things worth doing, the learning curve is steep at first. You will be fighting old thoughts and patterns, and that takes a lot of effort and concentration. As those thoughts and patterns fall away, the learning gets much easier.

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Note: Due to a speaking engagement this weekend, I was unable to do as much blog reading as usual. Here is what I found in a quick skim of some of my favourite blogs.

Better Husbands and Fathers

A Tribute to My Wife: Nice. Try writing a tribute to your bride and share it with her.


Intimacy in Marriage

Who’s On the Losing End of Your Body Image Battles?: A great guest post by Margot Starbuck, author of Unsqueezed.


Marriage Gems

How To Limit TV, Internet And Other Libido Killers: This great article by Marriage Gems blog author Lori Lowe appears on the Your Tango web site
How Brains are Boosted by Love and Sex: A nice short write up of some very interesting new research.
Download New E-book: 10 Secrets to Marital Happiness: Lori puts some of her best stuff into a free e-book.


The Marry Blogger

The Danger of Isolation in Marriage: An outstanding guest post.


The Romantic Vineyard

The Fruit of the Spirit: Goodness: Another in the ongoing series.
No Stuffing Allowed: Debi makes an interesting observation about older couples. Choose now what you want to be when you are elderly.
Project 52: Plan Some Nothing: A great date idea.


Simple Marriage

How to have an affair … with your spouse: A very intriguing idea.

4 comments
Meaghan
Meaghan

I totally agree with this. I often hear the excuse for avoiding good behaviour, or even for allowing bad behaviour that "that's just the way I naturally am". I wish it would be realized more that just because it's a natural inclination doesn't make it right. We were created in God's image and thus we bear His goodness in us intrinsically, but we are also born into a legacy of sin, and thus not all our natural desires are worthy of acceptance. Listened to a sermon that explained this really well, trying to remember now...funny enough, I think it was about sex...

Evan
Evan

This is a GREAT article and absolutely true. I've changed a lot of behaviors that I thought were unchangeable and found that I actually enjoy the changes. Everything from cleaning up more, being more grateful, budgeting, and communicating better. EVERYONE can change. What I found was the question before the change, namely "Is this something I WANT to change?" It's hard to change a core behavior you have, and it's tough to deal with the difference between changing because you want to and changing because someone else wants you to. .-= Evan´s last blog ..Stand Up and Man Up =-.

Neil Hess
Neil Hess

Thank you for writing this! It is convicting to the core. There are things that my wife wants me to do well/enjoy but the fact is that I don't put in the effort necessary to do these things (cleaning much? :)) I love your blogs. So encouraging and convicting every day! God bless! Neil

Marvin
Marvin

Enjoyed the article. Had to laugh though at the "primary obstetrical to belief"

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