You’ve got to love it.

November 13, 2010

in Sexuality, Understanding Her

I was recently reading a blog post about oral sex. It started by saying, to women [paraphrased], “To give great oral sex, you have to love having his penis in your mouth” and went on to make a similar statement to men.

The more I thought about this, the more I saw that it was true – and true of sex in general, not just oral sex. Let’s face it, it’s difficult to enjoy something she’s not enjoying, no matter how good it feels to your body. If you are really “hard up” you may be able to push past this, and if she doesn’t like any kind of sex you may just learn to live with it, but the only truly good sex is doing things she really likes to do.

Sure, if it’s her choice, out of love, occasionally doing something she’s not wild about is okay. However, if she does not enjoy it, it’s not truing her on, and if she dislikes it then it’s turning her off. Beyond this, doing things she does not enjoy sexually makes a connection in her mind – a connection that is detrimental to her enjoyment of sex, and thus harmful to your future enjoyment of sex. Doing things she dislikes is even more harmful. The oral sex she performs after you ask her the hundredth time might feel good, but is it really worth what it costs you?

I think it’s far better to limit yourself to things she enjoys; this will foster greater sexual pleasure, and that in turn will lead to greater sexual desire on her part. What’s more, a “no” about something today does not mean, “I will never want to do that.” Plenty of women are today enjoying and even asking for sex acts they once found questionable or distasteful. By limiting himself to the sex acts his wife enjoys, a husband is giving her room to learn to love sex. Once that happens, many things will change.

In short, restraint is no fun now, but it has significant long-term advantages. On the other hand, pushing for all she will allow now is tempting, but the long-term results are not what either of you want.

7 comments
Thom
Thom

Where's the follow-up???

elliemae
elliemae

i am the spouse who always wants sex, like every day, but i am learning to not get so offended or feel so rejected. i am just amazed that my husband doesn't want me more. this has been a struggle in our marriage and we have only been married just over 3 years. i am praying and believing God for a change and a fulfilling sex life.

Ruben
Ruben

I think this is good advice for husbands, as we cannot change our wives. It is easy to start to love sex more that it's God given provider, and then it falls outside of God's will. We are deserving of nothing and God asks us to die to our physical needs to live for Jesus. This is my greatest struggle and something I am determined now to work on. Try to accept the sex that God provides through your wife as the blessing it was intended, and look to the Lord to help your spiritual satisfaction grow in the place where the sexual need used to live. I don't have a tremendous success story to share here yet, but I'm working to trust God to fulfill the ending that is in his will.

Simon
Simon

I agree with the subject and with John, but sometimes, it's get boring when having sex is limited to 3 positions all laying down, all in the bed. So Icould ask for something else ocasionnaly, even if she does not like it, what do you think ?

John Delcamp
John Delcamp

I basically agree with the entire discussion but one thing that it does not consider is the woman who will never consider doing anything outside of allowing her husband to have intercourse. She only gives herself to her husband because the bible says she has to. She does enjoy sex when she allows herself to but in reality that does not happen often, maybe once or twice a year. Therefore, if a husband does not asked her to do something else, it will never happen. I never understand how this happens with a woman who is basically self-centered, especially in the area of sex, but after having read this and thinking it through, I can see how it plays right into her selfishness.

Garion
Garion

Elliemae, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I just recently went through a year of marriage counseling and one of the worst years of my life. My wife was in your shoes. What I did not realize is there were deeper problems in our marriage that were causing the lack of sexual motivation. Your post doesn't say how frequent you are making love, but if it is not very often at all, then you need to talk to him. Our problems were several, but one of the main ones that amazingly seemed unrelated but started fixing everything once it fell in place was communication. Being able to really talk to each other, and really listen to each other, brought us closer even when we didn't agree, and opened the doors for everything to change even our physical connection. I recommend marriage counseling to anyone even someone who thinks their marriage is great. Also a great book is "Getting the Love you Want". Hopefully your husband has an open mind and wants a better marriage as much as you do.

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