… or, maybe it might be you?

December 4, 2010

in Sexuality, Understanding Her

A while back, I followed a link from a link and ended up at an askmen.com article entitled “Why She’s Not Having An Orgasm” (not linked due to lingerie images in the side bar).

The article starts by saying it might or might not be the guy’s fault, and goes on to give “some of the most common, nonperformance-related reasons” why a woman does not climax – Medication, Inhibitions, Physical Issues, Psychological issues, and Sexual Trauma.

Okay, that list is great, but most of the top reasons women don’t climax are not on the list. That’s because the most common reasons are relational problems and bad technique. A lack of good communication about sex is also a major problem, and one that complicates all other problems. Too bad the article did not provide a link to an article on the common orgasm killers that a man can do something about!

Here are sexual problems that completely, mostly, or partly in your power to change:

  • Not feeling loved The male brain is able to separate sex and intimacy; the female brain finds this difficult to impossible. Even if her body is screaming for sex, if she is not feeling love, appreciated, and respected, sex is going to be difficult for her.
  • Not feeling connected This is about her time with you – or lack of it – over the last hours and days. No matter how much she may know you love her, she needs to have time with you to feel connected. If she does not feel connected, sex will be empty; and even if she does climax she, won’t enjoy it. When she starts out feeling connected, sex makes her feel more connected, but when she starts out feeling disconnected sex can leave her feeling even less connected.
  • Too busy and/or tired She needs more focus, time and energy to be sexual than you do, and she needs more of these things than you do to enjoy sex. If she’s too busy, odds are some of it is for you, and some of it is things you could do with or for her.
  • You smell bad or are not clean Yes, her nose is far more sensitive than your nose, and no, she can’t ignore the smell when you are right next to her. If you want sex, be clean – and not just when you ask for sex, come to bed clean and with fresh breath all the time. You may not think this is a big deal, but for some women it’s the deal breaker.
  • She needs foreplay – or more foreplay You would think women would tell us when they need more foreplay – or better yet tell us when they have had enough and are ready to move on to all things climactic. You’d also think if you asked, she’d tell you the truth rather than what she thinks you want to hear. For most women you would be wrong on both counts. I suspect the problem is a lack of sexual self-confidence, but whatever it is, the majority of women would like more foreplay, and a large percentage of those NEED more.
  • She needs something emotional before foreplay Some women are fine going from “Yes” to sexual touching, but some are not. A bit of talking, cuddling, and soft kissing can make a big difference for some.
  • She needs something other than what you are doing Men are able to climax from a wide variety of acts and positions, while women are far more limited. Even those who response to many things have a narrower range that results in orgasm. Also, be aware that she may really enjoy and want an act or position that will rarely or never result in climax. Think of it as an appetizer.
  • How you deal with her when she says no I know how it feels to be told no – or “Yeah, if you must”. I won’t argue that it’s hurtful and usually wrong, but all of that said, how you deal with it will impact the odds of sex the next time you ask. She does not understand how her saying no looks and feels to you, so your anger, sarcasm, cold shoulder and so on are confusing and hurtful to her.
  • You complain about sex to others If you are making jokes about not getting enough, or complaining about sex in front of others, she probably sees it as a betrayal; and betrayal is not known for making women want sex. By the way, if she makes the jokes in front of others, it’s still a very tricking situation, and what you say may be held against you later when you want sex.
  • You have been selfish about sex, and she has given up Sexual selfishness on the part of a man is deeply hurtful to a woman. It also tends to cheat her out of sexual pleasure, both physical and emotional. Once a woman has “accepted” that her husband is sexually selfish, she tends to shut down. If you were selfish in the past, changing is not enough – it will take far more than that to convince her to open herself up to being hurt again.
  • Porn I’ve not left this for last because it’s a minor issue. It’s been a while since I have dealt with this, and will do a post about it soon. The short version is that porn use deeply hurts the sexuality of most women, and they don’t get over it as fast as we think they should.

By the way – this post is a sort of response to the “tell him to” comments my bride will get following her “have more sex” post for today. If you are guilty of any of the above, you are at best giving your bride an excuse to not deal with her stuff, and at worst you are making difficult to impossible for her to want or enjoy sex. Deal with your stuff, and pray that will encourage her to deal with her stuff.

  • How you deal with her when she says no .

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