Another word to sum up the cause of all marriage problems

December 15, 2010

in Marriage Killer, Understanding Her

When I was thinking about my yesterday’s post a couple of weeks back, I asked my bride what one word she thought was the root of most marriage problems. She gave me two words: selfishness, which I covered yesterday, and fear.

Fear paralyzes us, and destroys both relationships and lives. Those who live in fear are captives, and their life tends to get smaller and smaller over time. If either you or your bride is living in fear, your marriage is being harmed by that fear.

Fear can come from a variety of sources, and the fear need not be part of the marriage relationship to harm that relationship. A few common fears:

  1. Financial fears, including fear of losing employment.
  2. Fear of spouse’s anger.
  3. Fear of death or disease for self, spouse, or children.
  4. Fear of spouse’s disapproval or disappointment.
  5. Fear that your spouse will have an affair.
  6. Fear of some person who has hurt or threatened you in the past.
  7. Fear that your spouse will leave you.
  8. Sexual fears – my spouse will want sex, my spouse will say no to sex, my body won’t work right, my spouses body won’t work right, we are in sin, and so on.

A fear need not be rational to be a problem, and knowing a fear is not rational does nothing to lessen that fear. Some fears are long standing, and many are built on fears from our past. A wife’s fears about her husband may be due in part to things her father, step-father or some other adult male did when she was young. However, it’s rare for a woman to hold onto a fear based on her past if her husband is not doing something to aggravate the situation.

If you have in the past given her reason to fear you, or anything you might do, say or think, please realise that it takes more than “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” for her fear to be banished. It will take time; she needs to see you not returning to your past behaviour, and she needs to see you not returning to that behaviour in difficult situations that once triggered the actions that caused her fear.

If she can’t deal with her fears, she needs Trained Third Party Help – same for you if you can’t deal with your fears.

Bottom line: Don’t live in fear, don’t let your bride live in fear, and DO NOT be the cause of your bride’s fear.

3 comments
The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Help my marriage - This is true in general, and tends to be true for any grouping or issue that makes one group different than another. Similarity in polo tics, culture, race, religion, and even region of the county all have some impact. That said, marriages across these lines can be very good - but it generally takes a bit more effort at the onset. Sometimes these marriages end up being stronger than the "average marraige" - this is because the couple learned early on how to deal with differences and conflict in a way that did not harm the marriage. Probably the greatest thing that makes or breaks marriages is similarity or differences in religious practices. Both what is believed, and how seriously each spouse is about following those beliefs.

Help my marriage
Help my marriage

General observation shows that the couples in a successful belong to a similar cultural group. By cultural group in American context refers to refers to Italian, Cuban, Mexican and Irish American groups. The other groups include Chinese, West European and Hispanic American.

John Delcamp
John Delcamp

It is easier to overcome fear when we understand how fear becomes part of our life. Simply put fear begins when satan puts thoughts into our minds and we act upon those thoughts. Each time we do, the fear gets stronger and is able to control our behavior more and more. The best thing is to know this and not to act upon the initial thoughts. However, for may of us that is already too late. Therefore, we need to ask God to remove the fear and even ask other spiritually mature people around us to pray with us to that end. Fear can destory God's plan and purpose in an indiviudual's life. Therefore, it is essential that fear be removed from our lives because it can and will destroy our marriages.

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