And That’s How The Fight Started

January 10, 2011

in Links to good stuff, None of the Above

The following is a guest post by my friend Maurice Smith. Maurice and his bride Gale live close enough that we get to hang with them from time to time, and they are a great blessing to Lori and me. This post gives a glimpse of Maurice’s wicked sense of humour, but Maurice is also an excellent biblical scholar. Read more of Maurice here.

 


 

Couple Fighting © Rquindoyos | Dreamstime.comOne year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

 


 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

 


 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

 


 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

 


 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 


 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started..

 


 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

 


 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

 


 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…

4 comments
The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@John toner - I've seen the stats,and you are right - but there are always exceptions. My bride and I did not have a TV in our room for the first part of our marriage, but do now - and we have far more sex now then we had when there was no TV. The reason we did not have one in the past was to keep us from using it as a way to avoid talking - something we needed to do. I suspect there was a time when we first put a TV in our room that it did slow the increase in our sex life, but it never slowed it down. Once sex became a priority for both of us, it was a non-issue. Still, no TV in the bedroom is by far the best policy for a number of intimacy related reasons.

Scott
Scott

Footnote to the story: I should mention that I didn't actually say that to the checkout clerk. The thought came to me as I came out of the store, hence the smile on my face, and I said it to my wife in jest, but she didn't think it was all that humorous.

Scott
Scott

True story: I came out of the convenience store grinning widely as I got back in the car where my lovely wife had been waiting. "What's so funny?" she asked. "Oh nothing," I replied. "Come on, tell me," she insisted. "Um, well... The guy at the checkout just asked if I wanted a bag." "And?" "I said, 'No thanks, I've got one waiting for me in the car.' " ...and that's when the fight started. .-= Scott´s last blog ..Shame and Intimacy - Shame of Self =-.

John toner
John toner

Funny enough, but when one joke started "My wife and I were watching TV in bed..." We've been married 30 years and have N.E.V.E.R. had a TV in our bedroom - and NEVER will. Stats are overwhelming that the mere presence of a TV in marital bedroom reduces sex a huge amount. There ain't NOTHIN' on TV worth that!

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