Angry About Sex?

January 22, 2011

in Sexuality, Understanding Her

Are you angry about sex? The frequent “no’s”, the avoiding, the “mercy sex”, the begging – it hurts, and you feel betrayed. If she loved you as she said she does, why would she cause you so much pain? How can she keep hurting you and say, “it’s not personal?” I get it, I’ve been there, and I’ve screamed to the heavens, begging God to change or fix my bride.

No 4 days in a row! © Scottsaav | Dreamstime.com

Anger is perfectly understandable, and probably normal – but it’s not helping. Anger can only get what it wants by scaring people to do things, and what you want sexually is not something that can be had by fear. Your anger is making it worse, or at the very least getting in the way of improvements. So, what to do?

First, decide if your perceptions are right. Your anguish is real – I am not suggesting it is not. However, your thoughts about why your bride does what she does may be less than accurate – in fact, odds are high you do not understand what is going on in her head.

Is she the kind of woman who would hurt someone for no reason? I know it sometimes seems she could not hurt you more if she were trying, but is she really that kind of a woman? If she is, you have problems beyond anything I (and probably anyone else) can say. If she is NOT the kind of person who would intentionally hurt someone she loves, then something else going on.

If you think she does not understand you, and you can believe you do not understand her, then clearly some communication is needed. Admit to her you do not understand what she is thinking and feeling, but you would like to. Let her know you do not think she understands you, and you would like to discuss that as well, but you want to hear from her first. Then listen to her – not just to her words, but also to the feelings behind the words. Is she worried, afraid, ashamed, scared, or hopeless? Don’t argue with her, but do ask questions to help you understand what she really feels. Don’t try to get her to agree with what you hear in what she says; rather work to hear what she really means. Then thank her and tell her you want to take some time to think and pray on what she has said.

If you can understand what she thinks and feels, you can understand why she does what she does. If you can do things to change how she thinks and feels, then what she does might change.

Links may be monetised
Image Credit© Scottsaav | Dreamstime.com

Shop AmazonShop to give links page
We are donation supported – thanks for your help!

7 comments
Kwala
Kwala

I don’t think this is necessarily a bad article and I appreciate it, though I wish it was as simple as that. We are currently ML about once a month, maybe twice, and has been like that for a few years. I am currently on the “changing me”, being a loving servant etc side of things; I have done what’s mentioned above, and my wife’s response is simply “I don’t feel like it”. And believe it or not, that’s the whole matter. It’s not some underlying issue, she just doesn’t want it. I have cried in front of her, she suggested I get someone else to satisfy me (because she says she can’t satisfy my drive). So for the past few weeks I’ve said nothing about sex, not even joked about it. My wife says she likes that I haven’t. But of course it hasn’t translated into any more intimacy. Yes we’ve done the so-called love languages, and basically all I do now is pray, every day, numerous times a day. God really is my only hope. I cannot change her; she needs a change. I have changed, I’ve done everything I can. Just listening to her did nothing, except bring up the idea I should have someone else. I am happy to keep up my current actions for a few months, but not sure how much longer I can take. I follow so many people on Twitter and get bombarded with advice, but probably about 1% really helps. When you’ve got a wife who has no interest in sex, no interest in change, no interest in how to satisfy her husband, no interest in seeking professional help, no interest in “5 things you can surprise your husband with” etc, the other 99% of tweets really mean nothing and simply leave me more depressed. I’m sorry to be so negative but this is the harsh reality we are dealing with. Nice little tweets about “how much I want to please my husband” only make me angrier; I often wonder if these people live in a fantasy land. Or maybe I’m just jealous. So I’ll see how long I can hold off and continue my actions, but after a few months I really don’t know what I’ll do. And I’d love to hear any suggestions….. K

IWISH
IWISH

Well I am a wife with the higher drive! We have discussed how important sex is to me many times. I am the one feeling very cheated and sad and unloved. I still hope and pray but my patience is thin. I am frustrated, to say the least.

Arthur Krebbs
Arthur Krebbs

I agree with Mr. Cheated and must say that I think The Generous Husband's and Brian's well-intended replies fall short. Women consciously offer future sexual access as an enticement to marriage and then feel no compunction about defaulting on the agreement. They still consider the lifelong obligation of fidelity, financial support and loss of personal autonomy to be binding on their husbands, however. The latest development in my own twenty-five year marriage is a gradual narrowing of our already infrequent sex: First, it was no open-mouthed kissing. Next, it was not touching her breasts - they were too sensitive. The most recent is a prohibition of penetration (yes, you read correctly). This is not a lack of knowing what I want; it is a lack of caring. And by the way, personal experience convinces me that in most cases "fibromyalgia" is Latin for "lazy." I want a diagnosis. I want a doctor to give a me a fancy medical name that says I am entitled to frequent, energetic sex.

Brian
Brian

@Mr. Cheated. I suspect your wife feels that you don't care about what she feels and doesn't know the impact of what you feel. Two things changed our marriage. First, I needed two recognize my wife as a person and find a way to fit into her needs, including fibromyalgia, managing the way I communicated about everything else, loving her the way she is. The second was telling her that this area of my life colored my entire life. This was a surprise and shock for her. This is not a short road for most of us, but a long road that will require prayer and patience.

The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Mr. Cheated - I understand your situation, but I think there is a solution/fix missing from your list. Why is it we think a couple should only have sex when both of them "fell like it"? How many things do we do for those we love because we love them, even though we may not feel like it? How many of us ever "feel like" changing a diaper, or caring for a sick spouse, or cleaning up, or .... The argument is usually that "sex is different". I agree it's different, but I happen to think (and the Bible certainly says) that sex is different in that is it is VERY IMPORTANT. It's not something we can skip because of feelings, rather it is something we must NOT skip for any reason other than illness or other live altering events. What I am saying, and I am supported by 1 Cor 7 on this, is that husband and wife each have an obligation to their spouse sexually - and how they feel, if they are "in the mood" or not is completely irrelevant. I know that is about as wrong as possible by the way the world looks at it, but it really is what the Bible says. A difference in drives is not an issue when each person is doing all they can to meet their spouse's desires. BTW, the great thing about doing it God's way is that more often than not the "low drive" person starts to enjoy sex more and more.

Mr. Cheated
Mr. Cheated

Well, .. That is all good in theory .. What if you both understand each other, she knows what you need, how the lack of sex makes you feel, etc.. etc.. and you understand exactly why it is difficult for her to have frequent sex, why she does not like it, etc .. and you've gone to see a sex therapist to talk about these incompatibilities, and you make sure that she has an orgasm every time, sometimes more .. and there is just no way to fix it? What are you supposed to do? I feel that communication and understanding are over rated. As a self proclaimed "Mr. Fix It", There are only three godly ways to fix this. Either God can: 1. Reduce my sex drive, 2. Increase her sex drive, 3. both of the above. It doesn't seem right for me to pray that God reduces my sex drive? It also does not seem right for me to pray that God would change my wife? PS) It is not anger that I am feeling, it is a feeling of being cheated. All my life people have been telling me not to have sex, because sex is for marriage. I have been told not to fondle girls becuase that is for marriage also. I have built up this dream of having lots of fondling, sexy playing, butt pinching, sex with my wife, and now that I have one, do I just write my dream off? Do I pray that God reduces my sex drive? Or do I pray that God changes my wife into someone that she is not?

Tom
Tom

I hear those exact words!

Previous post:

Next post: