Are you angry about sex? The frequent “no’s”, the avoiding, the “mercy sex”, the begging – it hurts, and you feel betrayed. If she loved you as she said she does, why would she cause you so much pain? How can she keep hurting you and say, “it’s not personal?” I get it, I’ve been there, and I’ve screamed to the heavens, begging God to change or fix my bride.
Anger is perfectly understandable, and probably normal – but it’s not helping. Anger can only get what it wants by scaring people to do things, and what you want sexually is not something that can be had by fear. Your anger is making it worse, or at the very least getting in the way of improvements. So, what to do?
First, decide if your perceptions are right. Your anguish is real – I am not suggesting it is not. However, your thoughts about why your bride does what she does may be less than accurate – in fact, odds are high you do not understand what is going on in her head.
Is she the kind of woman who would hurt someone for no reason? I know it sometimes seems she could not hurt you more if she were trying, but is she really that kind of a woman? If she is, you have problems beyond anything I (and probably anyone else) can say. If she is NOT the kind of person who would intentionally hurt someone she loves, then something else going on.
If you think she does not understand you, and you can believe you do not understand her, then clearly some communication is needed. Admit to her you do not understand what she is thinking and feeling, but you would like to. Let her know you do not think she understands you, and you would like to discuss that as well, but you want to hear from her first. Then listen to her – not just to her words, but also to the feelings behind the words. Is she worried, afraid, ashamed, scared, or hopeless? Don’t argue with her, but do ask questions to help you understand what she really feels. Don’t try to get her to agree with what you hear in what she says; rather work to hear what she really means. Then thank her and tell her you want to take some time to think and pray on what she has said.
If you can understand what she thinks and feels, you can understand why she does what she does. If you can do things to change how she thinks and feels, then what she does might change.