I’ve been asked if love languages change, or even if we can do something to change our spouse’s love language.
The other day my bride proved that this could happen. When we wed, acts of service was her greatest love language, probably greater than all the rest combined. Words of encouragement was second, quality time was a weak third, and touch was at the bottom with gifts.
Now, physical touch is her number one, with acts of service and quality time close second and third. That means that physical touch has gone from almost last to most important. It also means that quality time has gone up, while acts of service has slipped a bit, and words of affirmation has gone down.
In part, I think my bride’s past influenced her love languages. Abuse and sexual issues made touch dangerous, and this probably suppressed any natural desire for touch. Over the years, I have touched her a great deal – partly because touch is high on my love languages, and partly because I knew how healing touch could be. I don’t know if this simply allowed her natural desire for touch to surface, or it actually caused that desire to increase – I would guess some of each.
When we married, I think her need for acts of service and words of affirmation was magnified because she had not received much of these in the past. As I provided these, I think they moved into a more natural place for who God made her to be. As all the others fell into place, quality time moved up a bit – maybe because there was room for it.
Regardless of the why, I now have no doubt that our love languages are fluid, not fixed. I also think that sometimes what seems to be our biggest love language is really an indication of something we have been denied. Feed that hunger, and things may change, moving toward the person we are deep inside.
If you knew her love language(s) in the past, don’t assume nothing has changed. Likewise for what she thinks about your love language(s). Go to Love Language Personal Profiles and take the gender appropriate test – and have your bride do the same. The better you understand her, the better you can bless her.
Image Credit: © Janis Ozols | Dreamstime.com