Do love languages change?

January 28, 2011

in Her Needs, Understanding Her

I’ve been asked if love languages change, or even if we can do something to change our spouse’s love language.

The other day my bride proved that this could happen. When we wed, acts of service was her greatest love language, probably greater than all the rest combined. Words of encouragement was second, quality time was a weak third, and touch was at the bottom with gifts.

Hands spelling out love © Janis Ozols | Dreamstime.com

Now, physical touch is her number one, with acts of service and quality time close second and third. That means that physical touch has gone from almost last to most important. It also means that quality time has gone up, while acts of service has slipped a bit, and words of affirmation has gone down.

In part, I think my bride’s past influenced her love languages. Abuse and sexual issues made touch dangerous, and this probably suppressed any natural desire for touch. Over the years, I have touched her a great deal – partly because touch is high on my love languages, and partly because I knew how healing touch could be. I don’t know if this simply allowed her natural desire for touch to surface, or it actually caused that desire to increase – I would guess some of each.

When we married, I think her need for acts of service and words of affirmation was magnified because she had not received much of these in the past. As I provided these, I think they moved into a more natural place for who God made her to be. As all the others fell into place, quality time moved up a bit – maybe because there was room for it.

Regardless of the why, I now have no doubt that our love languages are fluid, not fixed. I also think that sometimes what seems to be our biggest love language is really an indication of something we have been denied. Feed that hunger, and things may change, moving toward the person we are deep inside.

If you knew her love language(s) in the past, don’t assume nothing has changed. Likewise for what she thinks about your love language(s). Go to Love Language Personal Profiles and take the gender appropriate test – and have your bride do the same. The better you understand her, the better you can bless her.

Image Credit: © Janis Ozols | Dreamstime.com

3 comments
Kate Aldrich
Kate Aldrich

Paul!! Thanks so much for sharing and writing this post!! Brad and I have discovered this to be so true in the past 2 years!! Mainly my live languages have changed! We share with people this and they just think I never knew my love language to begin with! So not true! I love what you said about our languages having much to do with how we were shown love at home and or how we love was shown in wrong ways! This all very much effects our love languages and is so vital for our spouses to understand how to love us best! And for us to love them as well!! I am so happy to know I am not alone out there!! Not that I thought I was, but people seem to think I just didn't know myself! Thanks so much for sharing!! Kate

Take Two
Take Two

I believe it's true. Now maybe we should take a step back and decide whether we should be putting so much stock in something that is as fickle as the weather.

Eric - BHF
Eric - BHF

I hadn't given much thought about love languages changing before. Very Interesting thoughts. I agree with you 100% that "our biggest love language is really an indication of something we have been denied." For example, we are at a VERY busy time in our lives, so I have no doubt my wife would feel a great amount of love if I was able to give her more quality time. ...Guess its time to re-visit the old love language assessment!

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