WHY we do things matters

March 10, 2011

in Good Marriage, Her Needs

Trying not to look © Igor Zakowski | Dreamstime.com

I’ve always thought that why we do something is deeply important. Doing the right things for the wrong reasons is probably better than doing the wrong things – but in the end it may not make a difference.

That in mind, consider Allure of ‘Forbidden Fruit’ Can Stifle a Romance, a study done on guys not looking at “other women”.  Guys who looked away because they were told to do so, resulted in the men feeling less satisfied and less good about their romantic relationship. However, looking away because he choose to do so, seems to have the opposite effect – building the romantic relationship

Study leader professor Nathan DeWall put it this way:

Deciding for yourself to avoid attractive relationship alternatives can enhance relationship well-being, Our investigation, however, demonstrates that implicitly preventing people from attending to desirable relationship alternatives may undermine, rather than bolster, the strength of that person’s romantic relationship.

Here is what this means in real life: if you choose, out of love for your bride, to not look at (lust after) other women, if you choose to not view porn, then you are doing something that both pleases your bride and makes your marriage and sex life better. On the other hand, if you resist out of fear, out of compulsion, out of being nagged, you may please your bride, but you could actually harm your marriage and your sex life. (The second group probably also looks when they think won’t get caught. But that’s another post.)

Does this mean you can tell your bride that her nagging you about porn is hurting her and she should stop doing it? That’s not what I am trying to say here. The best results, the best marriages and sex lives, are for those men who choose not to look because they love their bride. If a man won’t do it for that reason, he is not willing to love her as he should, and his marriage has a lot of problems that go beyond her nagging about porn.

Bottom Line: WHY we do things, or don’t do things, matters – a great deal. Over the long haul, our motives are more important than our actions. Right motives lead to good actions, while poor motives lead to problems. Stop doing things to impress her, and start do things because you love her.

Image Credit: © Igor Zakowski | Dreamstime.com

2 comments
another guy
another guy

Agree with Guy above. I struggle with porn. When my love life at home is deep and satisfyingly, I find that I do not even want to go down the pron road very often, and when I do, I'm able to not stop. Guys need to feel needed also, if a wife is doing it just because her husband wants her to, guys know this and it don't make things any better...

Guy
Guy

This is why I hate studies like this. The logical answer is that men in happy marriages are more apt to look away because they love their spouse, not the other way around. And on the other side, if you are an unhappy relationship, you are more apt to look away only because you don't want to upset her.

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