When no means no, she can say yes

April 9, 2011

in Sexuality, YOU4HER

NO! © Andi Berger | Dreamstime.com

When your bride says no to something new you want to try sexually, how do you react?

I understand how it feels, and even hurts, to be told no, but how you react to her saying no will increase or decrease how often you hear no in the future.

Some (dare I say most?) wives feel there is a constant battle for what happens in their sex life. They feel they are always being pushed for more sex, more variety, new acts, new positions, and so on. No one likes being pushed, and the automatic response is to push back. Trust me, you won’t win this battle in the long run – keep pushing for more, and you will have less and less.

What if you didn’t push? What it you asked for new things nicely, not too often, and then were understanding and loving if she said no? If you stopped pushing for more, do you think she would (in time) stop pushing for less? In time, might she say yes to a few things to which she had previously said no?

Then the next step – do not think her saying yes to something once means she can never say no again. Think about the horrible position you put her in with that thinking! Imagine if she regularly suggested cooking something new, and you knew that if you said yes to something once she would fix it regularly, even if you did not like it after you tried it. I know that many women don’t try new sex acts for this very reason – they fear trying it once means they will be expected to do it over and over. Women even say no to things they would like to try for this reason; it’s just not worth the risk.

Bottom line: When saying no is easy and respected, she feels freer to say yes.

Image Credit: © Andi Berger | Dreamstime.com

4 comments
The Generous Husband
The Generous Husband

@Iman - Up front, I am replying to your comments, not to you or your marriage. "most often I suspect 'No means I want to punish you'." This would mean the woman is cruel and does not love her husband - which is not really a sexual problem. That said, I suspect most of us have felt that way at times. Usually it seems that way but is not - the reality is the wife has her own issues that predate the marriage. I certainly don't think sex should be mundane or boring. The difficulty comes when the woman is hurt sexually (usually from something before the marriage) which makes any attempt at variety emotionally painful for her. I certainly agree with your suggestion to pray - hard and often.

Josh
Josh

It sounds nice in theory, but I've tried it and it doesn't work. There really isn't a human strategy that does. The level of blessing that your sex life provides you is in Gods hands. I'm starting to consciously replace all of my sexual thoughts with this prayer (or a variation thereof) "Lord, use me to bless my wife sexually,". I'm just trying it, will let you know how it goes.

Iman
Iman

I don't totally agree with the post-- most often I suspect "No means I want to punish you". I cannot speak for all husbands, however I for one disagree with the notion that sex should be mundane and boring. Many husbands are like myself, loving and patient in bed. We go to the ends of the earth to give our wives sexual pleasure, starting with extensive foreplay, constantly holding back our own desires until they have been satisfied. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure my wife has felt emotional love as well as physical love. It's not uncommon for her to have several orgasms. Even after those times I know I am going to be limited with receiving the same level of attentiveness. Why is that? I'd love to hear from "average" women on why that is. Do they just think it's all about ejaculation? What makes ANYONE think men don't have needs too? Sometimes it really is a simple issue of quantity over quality-- frequency can release built up tension and can lead to consistent harmony to the household... and the bed. Would I like better quality? You bet! But by the time I get around to my turn there's not much returned my way. So I ask for a little variety and what's the response I get? "No". Men are expected to master lovers; knowing all the tricks, reading and memorizing to bring her pleasure. What about us? Maybe "something new" could be a simple matter of receiving oral sex while on her period. Sadly, the answer is most often "NO". That's like closing the amusement park because the roller coaster out of service! I have a lot of guy friends that feel resentful too; they start looking at porn or turning to masturbation to get whatever small amount joy that may bring. When their wives found out they are treated like "something" that might one may want to scrape off the bottom of your shoe. Not to mention the sin of it all. It's a vicious cycle. MEN: The answer is NOT to continue to beg and plead for sex (or to beg for something new)-- but pray for changed hearts, which can lead to changed lives. When I pray, honestly pray, seriously pray to God about this problem, He fills my day with other things so I don't dwell on sex. There have been times when God doesn't do that; or He doesn't answer at all. One thing God has spoken to my heart about; Women are complex machines. They seem simple before the honeymoon only to discover once it's over that there's no instruction manual. I hope women who read this don't think of me as selfish but a husband that truly wants unified physical fulfillment in his marriage.

Simon
Simon

@Iman : I totally agree with you, except for what you say that no is a punishment. I don't agree with that. But all the rest is exactly what I live. And I'm SO frustrated sometimes. It just seems that my pleasure (like to see what we do, which implies positions others than missionary) doesn't matter for my wife. It seems, I said. And I told her that many times, so she knows that. Praying of course is a solution, but after a while, it's discouraging. I don't get an answer from my Dad - or maybe I didn't hear it ;-) And it's years that it is like that. Sometimes I am discouraged that after 30 years of marriage, I still have to beg ot have oral sex once in a while, and that most of the time the answer is no. Sorry for my bad English, it's not my mothertongue...

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